SIMMS: (standing in the shower in a full suit, biting into a tennis ball while brushing teeth) This apple’s gone bad!
SIMMS: (driving to CBS offices in the wrong lane, commuters whizzing by him honking and hollering) Boy, traffic’s a dang bear this morning!
ONSTAR: Danger. You are driving in the wrong direction. Danger.
SIMMS: A g-g-g-g-ghost!
SIMMS: (emptying salt shaker in coffee mug) Did you have a nice weekend?
COWORKER: That’s sal—
SIMMS: I watched a football game!
COWORKER: I know.
SIMMS: (watching tape in film room) This is a boring episode of Ranger Rick. No animals! What else is on? (hits button on remote that somehow catches the entire room on fire)
SIMMS: (on phone in his office) Jim, this is Phil Simms. From work.
NANTZ: Yes I know, Phil.
SIMMS: How do I turn on the computer again?
NANTZ: (sighs) You pull the string on the side.
SIMMS: Gotta go. (doesn’t hang up, just throws phone in trashcan, pulls string)
FARMER SEE N SAY: The cow goes…..”Moo.”
SIMMS: (rolls eyes) Everybody knows that.
SIMMS: (sitting alone in cafeteria quietly eating soup with a fork)
SIMMS: Say, since when did they install a slot machine in the office? (glances around) Well, I guess I’ve got some time for a quick little game of chance. Heh. (pulls fire alarm)
PRODUCER: Alright, let’s go over the talking points for Sunday.
SIMMS: I wanna talk about footballs.
PRODUCER: (sighs) Is Jim coming in at all today?
SIMMS: Who’s Jink?
PRODUCER: What? Nobody is Jink. Ever. Jim. Nantz.
SIMMS: Can I eat this?
PRODUCER: That’s a stress bal—and you’re already eating it.
SIMMS: (at water cooler) What’s the scuttlebutt, coworkers?
COWORKER #1: Your entire pants are wet.
COWORKER #2: Have you ever drank water before?
COWORKER #1: I have never seen someone so wet.
SIMMS: (chortling) Outstanding!
SIMMS: (scribbling on crossword puzzle with white crayon) Can’t figure out this maze!
SIMMS: (spends half-hour cramming key into door of the wrong car)
SIMMS: (gets extremely lost driving home) Uh oh, Spaghettios! (spilling entire bowl of Spaghettios all over himself while driving)
SIMMS: (car through fence, head out window, hollering at a cow) Do you know where my house is, horsey?
MRS. SIMMS: (reading book in bed) Did you have a nice day, hon?
SIMMS: (beaming) The best day.
MRS. SIMMS: (sets book down) Do you want to….get intim—
SIMMS: (leaps into bed, clutching teddy bear to chest) Night night!