A Minor League Baseball Team Might Actually Want To Kill Fans With This Burger

When it comes to absurd, delicious and possibly life-threatening stadium food, professional teams like the Arizona Diamondbacks with their Churro Dog can’t hold a greasy candle to Minor League Baseball ballpark food. In case you’re a virgin when it comes to the awesomeness that is MiLB cuisine, just feast your eyes on the entrants in last year’s Food Fight to determine the fan food favorite, as it inspired me to make a map of amazing ballpark food that I hope to use for my own holy pilgrimage next year. Bottom line, MiLB teams don’t f*ck around when it comes to food, and the Kane County Cougars won’t even let a little thing like health get in the way of shoving calories down our throats.

The team that finished 20th in the aforementioned competition with the Colossus Burger has regrouped to deliver several new menu items for its 25th anniversary, and nothing will top the Heart Attack Burger, which certainly sounds like it could make a grown man’s chest explode.

The half-pound beef patty is topped with grilled onions, a fried egg, slice of melted cheddar cheese, chipotle bacon mayo, two strips of bacon with a pair of grilled cheese sandwiches serving as its bun. The burger will be available for $12 at Ozzie’s Grill, located on the concourse level behind home plate. (Via

Twelve-f*cking-dollars for a burger that has, like, three different meals in it. But what’s even more amazing about it is that I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone. After all, these meals aren’t for nourishment as much as they’re challenges. If you’re the brave soul who manages to take down an entire Heart Attack Burger, you’ll be able to follow it up with Oreo Churros, before washing it all down with the team’s new beer, Raging Cougar Ale.

In conclusion, who has a futon I can crash on in or around Geneva, Ill. for the entire season?