All Hail The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team, The New Rulers Of Planet Earth

In an outcome that can only be described as downright scrumtrulescent, the United States Women’s National Soccer Team defeated Japan 5-2 yesterday to win its first Women’s World Cup in 16 years and third overall. Leading the way for the red, white, and blue was the spectacular Carli Lloyd, who scored three goals in the first 16 minutes of the match, perhaps exposing herself to the world as an actual superhero with extraordinary mutant abilities. Is it unfair to all of the other international stars, both men and women, who played before her to call Lloyd the greatest soccer player of all-time? No. She is. End of conversation.

Even embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter couldn’t steal the spotlight with his refusal to attend, possibly because he knew that Golden Glove winner Hope Solo would have held his arms behind his back while the rest of the American women took turns giving him front wedgies. Anchors Tom Storey and Briana Lane fill us in on the rest of yesterday’s epic World Cup victory on today’s episode of The Desk.