07.14.08 10 years ago 9 Comments

A bicycle race in southern Illinois managed to capitalize on the rich cachet of America's omnipresent Tour de France coverage while still appealing to the assorted fatasses that sweat their way through life in the humid cornfields sprawling outward from the Mississippi.  Yes, the 20th annual Tour de Donut is a day-long road race in which competitors can cut five minutes off their time for every donut they eat.

Steve Striker of Edwardsville planned to eat at least 24 doughnuts. He was working on 20 doughnuts when he reached the Worden pit stop. "I don't think I'll make my goal. It's tough to hold it back now," Striker said as he was shoving five doughnuts into his mouth…

At noon, the cyclists were invited to join Staunton residents at their third annual Rib Cook-Off and Block Party in the park…

"There is a really good mixture of people here, with all races of bikes," Jerry Kapp said. [And at least one race of people. -Ed.] … Kapp said he almost skipped the race because of the smell of barbecue floating through the air, but he went ahead and completed the tour first.

I went to high school a stone's throw down Route 4 from Staunton, so I can personally verify that this is all very real.  People in southern Illinois are powered by donuts, barbecue, and Budweiser.  Being a fatass is a way of life there.  So of course I was an outcast.  They hated my buns of steel and single chin.


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