Auburn Tree Poisoner Speaks, Realizes Entire Life Has Been Stupid

04.22.11 7 years ago 19 Comments

Harvey Updyke, the man accused of poisoning the historic oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn (you know, the trees normal, ecologically-minded people cover in toilet paper to celebrate football victories) has spoken out, saying he expects to go to jail. He also made a Charlie Sheen joke, because the Internet has taught us to communicate like monsters.

“This is not a Charlie Sheen stunt,” he said. “I’m not winning. I’m losing.”

Talk about having Auburn Tigers Blood! Derp derp!

In case you haven’t been following this, the most important thing happening in our world today, an old man from Alabama responded to the loss of the 2010 Iron Bowl by committing ecoterrorism and adding a curse word to his favorite school’s catchphrase, sort of in that Michael Cole way where the cuss doesn’t really fit (“Roll Damn Tide.”) The trees are very important to Auburn students, because when you’re in college you care about sh:t like this.

Updyke went on to acknowledge that he was “Al from Dadeville,” the radio show caller who bragged about poisoning the trees, but says he doesn’t want his “legacy” to be tree poisoning. It turns out that he HATES tree poisoning!

“Do I want the trees to die? No. I’d give anything in the world if this had never happened.”

I know how he feels. Sometimes you dump poison on something because you’re mad about sports. It’s just a fact of life, something we all have to go through. He’s like Kefka from Final Fantasy VI, and he hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates Auburn University. In this comparison, General Leo is a bunch of toilet paper trees.

The best part of the story is that Updyke is shoot insane. How do I know? He named his kids Bear Bryant and Crimson Tyde. Yes, with a “Y.”

“Is it stupid? Yeah, looking back it’s probably stupid,” he said. “But Crimson likes her name and Bear likes his name.”

And now little Alabama Elephant Updyke has to watch her poo-paw get carted off to jail by the Environmental Protection Agency.


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