Barry Bonds’ Balls Shrank, Says Ex-GF

03.28.11 8 years ago 5 Comments

The Barry Bonds perjury trial is heating up, and we’ve finally reached the point where the prosecution wants to know about Barry Bonds’ balls, back-ne, and hat size.

She testified that, at one point, he had “a big lump … [that] looked awful” in his elbow. Bonds told her that steroid use caused the muscle and tendons to outgrow the joint. “It blew out,” she said. She also said that Bonds talked about the widespread use of steroids among baseball players. “He mentioned that other players do it and that’s how they got ahead, that’s how they achieved,” Bell said.

Bell testified to changes in Bonds’ physical condition, saying that his sexual performance declined and that his testicles shrank. He developed acne on his back and grew (and shaved) chest hair, according to Bell.


Bonds’ hat size also grew an eighth of an inch over nine years. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, especially when dude is shaving his chest and watching his own testicles shrivel into oblivion. Did Bonds also start carrying a purse? Buying copious quantities of black shoes? Because that’s the only way I’ll care. Everyone know that Bonds was on some kind of juice, and yet no one can prove it. Having tiny nuts doesn’t amount to perjury, which has to be an enormous relief for Brett Favre.

But you know who has a huge head? Placido Polanco. That dude’s a walking Veggie Tale.

Around The Web

DIME Instagram