Baseball is Boring: Baseball Happened This Weekend

Pro Wrestling Editor
04.25.11 16 Comments
After missing two consecutive Mondays due to an extended hospital stay, I’ve returned to cover the only thing more boring than potassium pills and intestinal blockage: Major League Baseball! Things happen over the weekend, and I’m here to bundle up the important stories and sort of pool the one-to-zero comments we’d get per baseball article into one mega gallery with six-to-zero comments.

The Indians are Still in First Place

They’ve lost three straight and had a game postponed, but we’re 21 games into the season and the Cleveland Indians are still sitting atop the AL Central. I refuse to believe this is an April streak anomaly, and will continue to explain how this is simply the coming-together of young, blossoming talent and healed up veterans looking to recapture the spotlight. It’s about guts, people, and I’m positive the 141 or so more games in the season will prove me right. Who cares if our most marketable star is named “Jeanmar?” Who cares if Fausto Carmona finishes the season 1-22? The Indians are winning the World Series, and I don’t care if me and manager Lou Brown are the only ones who believe it.

The Tribe heads back home on Tuesday to start a three game series against Upstart Nobody Flukes the Kansas City Royals. Monster ace and carnival showman Jeanmar Gomez gets his next start on Saturday against something called the “Detroit Tigers.”

Where Have You Gone, Andre Ethier? Our Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes … Oh, Wait, There You Are

Andre Ethier, Los Angeles Dodger and “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” enthusiast, pushed his hitting streak to 21 games over the weekend, so of course every possible recap of this has to mention that he’s got 35 games to go before he breaks Joe DiMaggio’s record. If I ever get to manage a big league ball club (and I’m still young, so who knows), that’s how I’m going to coach my hitters. Every time they get a hit, I’m going to tell them they’ve got 55 more games to go if they want to break Joe DiMaggio’s record. Just get them all bent out of shape and obsessed about it. Make them feel bad when they only hit in like 45 straight games. “Joe DiMaggio hit in 56 straight and he was on PILLS. You’re perfectly healthy, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

To further the DiMaggio/Ethier comparison, they both have/had hot wives. DiMaggio was married to famed screen icon Marilyn Monroe, and Ethier is married to four-year All American gymnast Maggie Germaine. DiMaggio and Monroe were divorced on the grounds of “mental cruelty.” Ethier and Germaine both went to Arizona State, which is grounds for some kind of cruelty.

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