Behold Novak Djokovic’s Escape Pod

Pro Wrestling Editor

If you thought you’d figured out how Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic ended up number one in the world, think again. Was it hard work? No. Natural talent? Of course not. It was his rich friend in New Jersey convinced him to sit in a pressurized-egg like the one Axl Rose owns that looks like Gypsy from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and works like a tanning bed for your mitochondrial biogenesis.

Wait, f**king what?

But now there’s something truly weird: the CVAC Pod.

Ever since last year’s U.S. Open, Djokovic has been trying to improve his fitness by climbing into a rare $75,000 egg-shaped, bobsled-sized pressure chamber.

The machine, which is made by a California-based company called CVAC Systems and hasn’t been banned by any sports governing bodies, is one of only 20 in the world.

And I guess Martina Hingis was so good because she played a lot of “Afterburner”.

A report from the Wall Street Journal says the egg “uses a computer-controlled valve and a vacuum pump to simulate high altitude and compress the muscles at rhythmic intervals”, but I’m not buying it for a second. I don’t think this man-sized flip phone can make you better at tennis by jamming you into a shrink-wrapper, I think that when nuclear war goes down they’re gonna throw these things into the vaults and use them to make us think we’re on Tranquility Lane. You know, until the Chinese show up.

I like how they mention that it isn’t banned. I want to be there when the guy in charge of tennis gets a memo reading “do you want to ban George Forman Grills For People y/n”. At least Novak has things in perspective.

“I think it really helps—not with muscle but more with recovery after an exhausting set,” he said. “It’s like a spaceship. It’s very interesting technology.”

If he makes “pshoo pshoo” noises while he’s in it, does it help the rebuilding process?

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