The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling 3/13/14: No, I Mean The One In The Old West

Hey, friends. Are you as glum and down and out about Lockdown as I am? Has your EC3 wallpaper become a grim Maggie Simpson “DO IT FOR HER” inspiration when watching Impact? Am I slightly overreacting? I dunno, let’s find out! (but probably yes)

Go listen to the most recent Mandible Claw podcast. Brandon let me talk about TNA, and I said way more nice things than I should have (it was pre-Lockdown). The last half hour is Brandon reading a gross Cesaro/Alex Riley fanfic reading where he had to skip multiple paragraphs about b-hole licking due to redundancy. Multiple paragraphs!

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This week on Impact: A nation in mourning, some weird subliminal product placement, and a kitty!

Worst: Everything is MVP, and nothing hurts more

At Lockdown, Dixie attempted to secure a victory by arranging for a special guest referee obviously rigged to be on her side. Bully Ray was that ref and, of course, at a pivotal moment that would have ensured a victory for Team Dixie, Bully Ray turned on team captain Bobby Roode, and assisted Team MVP in the win. Now MVP is in charge of Wrestling Operations, and is everyone’s new boss.

This is the worst thing to ever happen in the history of wrestling and bad things.

Okay, not it’s not, but it’s still super crummy. MVP takes the time to describe his management style, and it’s conveniently an acronym that matches his initials! See, he’s gonna Motivate, Validate, and Participate. Sounds like a nifty idea, yeah? First he’s going to Motivate his wrestlers: it’s always nice to encourage and support the people you work with. That doesn’t sounds so bad. Then he’s going to Validate their opinions: should they have “beef” (or angry seitan in Austin Aries’ case), he’ll give them the opportunity to get in the ring and work it out. A little odd that that’s the only way he’s going to deal with issues – ignore them and let the problems fix themselves – but this is a wrestling show and wrestling matches need to happen somehow. Then, if that still doesn’t fix it, he’s going to Participate: he is going to get into the ring and beat you until you shut up. Oh yeah, my boss does this all the time no wait I’m sorry you’re going to do what?