06.04.08 10 years ago 23 Comments

There is never a dearth of examples for why adult kickball leagues are a blight on human existence, but there have been an especially high concentration of stories lately to build a case for justifiable eugenics against the further breeding of the kickballing scum. One visionary organization, the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, is taking the initiative to rid our city parks of the vermin, as profiled by recent kickballing news clearinghouse Steady Burn. With one handy conspiracy chart, they show how the horrible skein of influence flows from these playgrounds of the iniquity. Their noble mission statement:

We, the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, do advocate all ridiculous direct action and pranks persuant to the collapse of kickball for Young Professionals in the greater Washington, DC area. For too long have we sat idle while all the chumps, douche-bags, yuppies, and stripey-shirt imported assholes of this town coalesced their power under this banner.

The recommended subversion tactics include stealing the kickball, paying homeless people to disrupt games through disgusting and revealing acts, and, naturally, violence. If you combine the latter two, paying the homeless person then beating said homelessman and robbing them after they've executed their mission, it adds a hint of Grand Theft Auto-esque fun. 

(Full disclosure: I both reside in Northern Virginia and played in one of these kickball leagues a few summers ago. I only did it for the boozy hook-ups with recently relocated and lonely intern girls, I swear! The Ape be not proud. *Sigh* Don't cry for me, I'm already a douche.)  

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