03.03.07 11 years ago 3 Comments

For the first time since King Edward I ruled the realm, a reigning British monarch will employ the royal privilege of 'prima nocta'.  Queen Elizabeth II will have sexual intercourse with very tall citizens of the Commonwealth in order to produce the next 'Longshanks':

"We want to unearth the hidden talent of the six-foot plus variety…we have a unique opportunity to pluck individuals from relative sporting obscurity and provide the opportunity of a sporting lifetime," Chelsea Warr of UK Sport said.

This move is designed to re-establish England as an athletic powerhouse of Olympic talent, a nation that used to be known for Daley Thompson, but is now known for Eddie the Eagle.  In fact, Great Britain sent a team largely made up of hobbits from the Midlands to the recent Winter Games in Turin.  The UK Olympic Committee cited their low center of gravity as perfect for downhill skiing, and their furry feet as natural protection from the cold.  However, this current move is an obvious departure from England's "little folk strategy", so look for some towering Brits of 5'6" and above in Beijing in 2008 and beyond.  Lanky newlyweds from all corners of the earth must beware of the tap from Elizabeth or even Bonnie Prince Charlie, because the sun never sets on their imagined empire.  (Note: My Irish ancestry had no influence on this post whatsoever.) -KD

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