FlipBoardWith the NFL Lockout behind us like an angry Aryan inmate, most of us have begun our annual preparations for our fantasy football drafts. That is, unless you’re in one of those leagues that already drafted because your commissioner is an impatient d*ckhead, who probably has a wife he only married because she was pregnant, so he needs anything he can get to distract him from reality. If that’s your case, then I’m sorry but this won’t help you.
In all honesty, this probably won’t help most people. So what is this then? It’s my own hastily organized fantasy football position rankings, based on biased logic, gut feelings, and many years of fantasy football angst. All this week and next, I’ll be breaking down each position by telling you which players are the best of their class, will give you the best value in later rounds, will cause you to have fits of rage and disgust, and will help you look smart in front of your friends when you draft them. Now, keep in mind – I’m not an expert. I’m not even a guy who knows stuff. I’m just a dude who makes an occasional funny joke and has vague opinions.
But I’ve won a few leagues over the years and let’s face it – we all live for this sh*t. And we want to read every possible ranking and mock draft that we possibly can before we sit down with our notebooks, laptops, magazines and all-around utter hopelessness. For most of us, it’s validation. For the rest of us, it’s just a way to make worthless games fun. Either way, welcome to my first installment of Burnsy’s Bad Advice: Ranking Your Fantasy Football Quarterbacks. And yes, I’ve based my choices entirely on female celebrities. Because why wouldn’t I?
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Jeez Burnsy, that’s just wrong.
(IT JUST DOESN’T FEEL THE SAME)
One thing in Kolb’s favor is that he gets to play the NFC West in 6 games and the division’s two best corners have relocated out of the division. Granted, one of those was on his own team, but still those practice picks can do terrible things to a young man’s confidence.
I don’t think anyone has ever accused Mark Sanchez of having a man’s haristyle.
The Sex Cannon should be in his own category. The “Cytherea/Peter North” category. Good or bad, there’s going to be an explosion.
The Kate Uptons?
Great, now I’ll have to explain the awkward erection I get when I draft Brees this year.
I’m being unfair to Kolb, I know. But I’m in Arizona currently and these fans think they got Jesus.
Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are angry that you said those things.
@Otto: “Great, now I’ll have to explain the awkward erection I get when I draft Brees this year.”
How did you explain the erection last year?
“How did you explain the erection last year?”
I got stuck with Cutler, so that wasn’t a problem.
Very entertaining analysis. What has happened to the NFL quarterback that Vick is a top 5 QB? Scary.
“I don’t trust Vincent Jackson yet.”
/facepalm
How do you make the jump from Julia Stiles to Kristie Alley without any kind of buffer? That ain’t right.
Also, Colt McCoy is going to be the surprise QB of this season, you can bet on it
What, will McCoy jump out of a closet?
BURNSY.
I’m in Tempe… after having to deal with Derek Anderson last year, can you blame us?