Cam Newton Is Retiring The Dab In Favor Of A New Celebration

06.09.16 3 years ago 2 Comments
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So long, Cam Newton’s dabbing. We hardly knew ye.

The reigning NFL MVP announced to the world he will no longer celebrate by dabbing, much to the joy of old people everywhere who write letters to the editor about how a man dancing on television could harm their children. It feels like it is leaving us too soon, but fear not, as Newton says he’s working on something new that will surely upset the same demographic of offended letter writers.

So what will Newton’s new touchdown celebration be? He didn’t say.

“I have until September to find out,” he said.

To me, this says Newton hasn’t a clue what he will do next season and would like to hear suggestions for his new celebration. Allow me to offer my advice as a highly trained dancer and exceptional athlete.

The Bartman

Newton does his own thing. Bart Simpson does his own thing. This could be the perfect marriage. This dance upsets Homer, who can represent the letter writers that get upset about Cam.

Patrick Dempsey’s dance from Can’t Buy Me Love

You’ll probably want a little bit of context on this, but Dempsey plays some nerd that wants to be cool, so he learns a dance on TV to impress a girl, and this is what he does. Cam can score a touchdown, hold his hands up next to his head, and twitch for a few seconds. It’s sexual enough that some of the pearl clutchers may have to use euphemisms in their letters like “the devil’s mambo” and “loin thrusting,” so it could be worth it.

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