Captain Picard Tried To Kill Ryan Lochte

Senior Writer
08.10.12 6 Comments

Well, I suppose I owe Ryan Lochte an apology. Earlier, I just assumed that he would be another Howie Long or Bruce Jenner, a former athlete thrust into the acting without having a shred of talent for show business, but I neglected to look at his actual résumé and body of work before I cast my disapproving glare. If I had bothered to look, I would have known that Lochte already kicked open the gates to Hollywood yesterday with his debut at Funny or Die.

Starring alongside Sir Patrick Stewart and Simon Pegg, Lochte plays himself as Stewart teaches us a thing or 12 about the intricacies of 2012 Summer Olympic ticket scalping. And when Lochte shows up in an alley to show off that world famous flashy USA grill and explain his VIP athlete pass to Stewart and his accomplice, you really feel like he’s in danger of being bludgeoned with an ASP.

ABC executives, you lock this guy up now, because if not he’s going to EGOT faster than we can say, “Michael Phelps, who?”

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