Carl Everett Hates Women, Umpires, Homosexuals, Dinosaurs

04.27.11 8 years ago 6 Comments

Former Major League outfielder Carl Everett, mostly famous for denying the existence of dinosaurs and for saying Adam and Eve were real because “someone saw them,” was tossed in a Tampa jail on Tuesday for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. According to the arrest affidavit, Everett and his wife got into an argument so he did what any sane, rational human being 39 years into adulthood would do — he put a gun to her head, then broke two different telephones so she couldn’t call 911. Well, sure.

Everett’s attorney, Clinton Paris, said it’s a family matter, which can hopefully be resolved quickly and efficiently.

Paris added, “he only did it because he loved her.” He didn’t, but he might as well have.

The best part of the story (and keep in mind that there really aren’t any best parts to this story) is that the report said he held a “silver handgun” to her head, and while that’s probably just a color description I can pretty easily imagine Carl Everett owning a pistol made of silver. This is the same guy who questioned the moon landing and said he’d retire if he found out one of his teammates was gay. This guy got to play professional baseball for FOURTEEN YEARS without somebody sh:tkicking him in the asshole and making him work at Family Dollar for the rest of his life.


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