In Case You Were A Decent Human Being And Missed It, Here's War Machine's Clothing Line

There are only four more shopping days until Christmas, folks, so if you have a loved one in your life that has injected so much bull shark testosterone and sent so many unsolicited dick-pics to porn stars that their phone is starting to evaporate, you’ll be interested to know that I’ve found them THE PERFECT GIFT. Enter: War Machine’s clothing line ALPHA MALE SHIT.

You know War Machine, the MMA fighter who loves a good rape joke, punches himself in the face to keep himself from murdering people on the Internet and declares his significant other PROPERTY OF WAR MACHINE. Now you too can be property of That Guy be patronizing his clothing line, seen here.

I really cannot emphasize how real this is, and how we are not making it up. Here are a few of my favorites from the Spring Collection:

This is just some funny ass, not giving a f*ck, craziness!! Definitely not for the faint of heart! The “C” is at least in semi code…if someone knows what the “C” is they either take it, have looked into taking it, or know someone who does take it…so f*ck what they say about your shirt!

Spoiler alert: “Cypionate” means “reading books.”

Because “freedom of speech” in today’s world means: You can say anything that you want to AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T OFFEND ANYONE! Well I think that is f*cking BULLSHIT! that is not what FREEDOM is! That is not what FREEDOM OF SPEECH means!!! “Politically Correct” really is some COMMUNIST BULLSHIT!!!

Hey Drew Magary, can you ask War Machine what he thinks about gay people so we can get him suspended from the Internet?

In honor of UFC and PRIDE legend “The New York Bad Ass” Phil Baroni, Alpha Male Shit is proud to offer you this signature T-shirt capturing the famous words which he shouted after one of his most brutal UFC knock outs. !!!!!THIS SHIRT IS AVAILABLE NOW FOR PRE-ORDER!!!!

This sincerely looks like something Jon Bois would design.

Every boy aspires to be big, tough, intelligent and strong and it is essential that we nurture those aspirations and help him along in his journey. Teach him what it means to be a MAN, teach him why it is important to be one, and let him spread his teachings to his friends at school by sending him to class in this bad ass lil’ T!

“Want your bad ass little boy to get the crap beaten out of him every time he goes to school? Give him this shirt that says he’s better than everybody else. That’ll give him a rational thought process!”

Strong women are important to the world and they always have been, even back when they had no “rights.” Women are the gate keepers to the future, THEY select what genes will be spread to the next generation and THAT is much MORE IMPORTANT than any bullshit vote that they may cast on any bullshit ballot! A strong, smart woman is essential to raising strong, smart children and every REAL MAN NEEDS a strong, smart woman to come home to. In the movie “300” the Persian tells Leonidas,” What makes this woman think she can speak among us men?!” Leonidas’ queen responds, “Because only SPARTAN women give birth to REAL MEN!!” And now nothing more needs to be said about this.

No words. They should’ve sent a poet.

(Also, is that the same font we use?)

I am considering buying the entire line and wearing it ironically, and/or just shooting myself up with Draino and punching everybody I meet. One or the other.

Thanks for the heads up, Vince.