We might not write much about the Queensland Rugby League, but it’s not every day that a player is investigated for allegations that he tried to bite another player’s dick.
That’s the situation we find ourselves in today with Anthony Watts, an ex-National Rugby League player who allegedly used his teeth in an attempt to tear another man’s johnson asunder during Sunday’s Gold Coast Rugby League (GCRL) Bycroft Cup preliminary final. Lots of rugby league names already, right? Let’s focus on the dick: he tried to bite off a man’s thing in a game. Allegedly. But seriously, how do you “allegedly” end up with your mouth on another man’s junk? Furthermore, how many synonyms can I come up with for “penis” in one report?
As the story goes, Watts started a “melee” which ended with more bitten wieners than the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. Watts’ team denies this, especially the parts about the hot dog eating contest.
Watts appeared before media in Brisbane on Monday with his solicitor Mark Williams to deny the allegation.
William said Watts “absolutely denies that any biting of any nature has taken place”.
“Now, if there has been any contact made to that particular area of this gentleman’s body, our client apologises.”
Williams said rugby league was a full contact professional sport and contact was made during play to all parts of people’s bodies.
“If our client accidentally put his teeth on your wang, we are deeply sorry.”
I can’t decide what my favorite thing about the story is. It’s either this beautiful choice of words:
“We will know more tomorrow,” he added.
“We have to wait for reports from match officials and the clubs involved before the judiciary panel meets this afternoon to review the situation.
“It can’t move ahead until then.”
(I bet the victim can’t move a head at all.)
… Or it’s the fact that Watts might’ve Mike Tyson’d a guy’s privates and gotten away with it.
Conclusive evidence may be difficult to find as only one video camera was used at the match.
In 2013, there were not enough people recording a sporting event to properly tell whether or not a man bit down on another man’s danger zone. We have 65 angles of every pro football catch, but nobody saw Anthony Watts going towards another player’s crotch with his mouth open and though, “yo, I need to Vine this?”
Dick move, Anthony.