Celebrities Sure Love The U.S. Open

It feels like the U.S. Open has turned into the NBA Playoffs, what with rain causing the tennis tournament to last the better part of a month, but we’ve definitely seen our fair shares of excitement. For instance, did you catch that semifinals match between Roger Federer (3) and Novak Djokovic (1) on Saturday? Hoo boy, that was some tennis excitement. Djokovic’s come-from-behind win in the 5th set was far and away the highlight of this year’s Open, but today’s Finals matchup between Djokovic and Rafael Nadal (2), who defeated Andy Murray with much less excitement in the semifinals, will probably be the stuff of legends as well.

On the women’s side, 9th-ranked Samantha Stosur defeated Serena Williams 6-2 and 6-3 to win the Women’s Championship, and of course Williams blamed it on the officiating. Williams yelled, “Come on” during a rally and umpire Eva Asderaki docked her a point for a code violation. That’s when Williams became a little miffed.

“If you ever see me walking down the hall, look the other way, because you’re out of control,” Williams said in her chair.

“You’re totally out of control. You’re a hater, unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow, what a loser.

“Give me a code violation because I expressed my emotion? We’re in America last time I checked. Really, don’t even look at me, don’t look my way.” (Via Reuters)

That’s right, Williams never complains. She has never screamed violent threats at a line judge and been fined $82,500 and placed on probation by the WTA. That has never happened at all. Oh wait, I mean the opposite.

But even Williams’ delusional arrogance and declining career can’t take away from what has really mattered during this U.S. Open – celebrities. Thanks to the fine folks at Moet & Chandon, there were celebrities galore at Arthur Ashe Stadium over the past week, so let’s list them, shall we?


First, here is Williams’ rant. It’s important to note that she thought the chair umpire was Louise Engzell while it was really Asderaki. Sometimes the jokes write themselves, folks.


After Brooklyn Decker’s husband, Andy Roddick was spanked in straight sets by Rafael Nadal, she was minding her own business and leaving the stadium, probably wondering why she didn’t listen to her mother and marry that nice boy from down the street, when some reporters became very aggressive with her. Apparently they had no clue who she was and confused her for a fellow reporter as they tried to board their bus. Some reporters yelled at her told her to hurry up, and she claimed to have walked away embarrassed by the whole thing. Look, I’ve been in quite a few press boxes and news conferences. Ain’t a female reporter on Earth who looks like Decker. On second thought…

Samantha Steele has declared my argument invalid.

Al Roker and Star Jones

Roker and Jones, of course, worked tirelessly to lose weight and better their health after many years of being plus-sized. In fact, rumor has it that they both walked all the way from their cars to the doors of the doctors’ offices before they had their stomachs stapled.

Alec Baldwin

Baldwin attended the U.S. Open with his current girlfriend, Hilaria Thomas. He’s 53 and she’s 27. This is why I want to be friends with Baldwin.

Andy Samberg

I assume Samberg made goofy faces and noises the whole time. Hopefully they were at least fart noises.

Aretha Franklin

Gravity can be so cruel.

Bar Refaeli

What a lonely spinstress.

Baron Davis

Probably the closest he’ll be to ever popping champagne.

Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor

A reminder that there is hope for all of us.

Camilla Belle

Brazil is such a remarkable place.


Fun fact: I wrote Cialis twice while putting this together. Perhaps I’ve shared too much.

Constantine Maroulis

I’ve been told this guy is a celebrity. Interesting.


Diddy was in attendance cheering on Novak Djokovic on Saturday. Because when I think of Diddy, I think of Serbian tennis.

Edward Burns

Edward Burns seems like the coolest of the bad actors out there.

Jeremy Piven and Keri Russell

*punches monitor*

Kim Sears

Kim Sears isn’t necessarily a celebrity, but she is Andy Murray’s girlfriend, providing further evidence to my theory that I should become a tennis player named Andy.

Matthew Perry

I’d really like it if Perry found a TV show that will last more than one season. He seems like a good dude.

Rafael Nadal

We now pause for a little something for the ladies.

Oliver Platt

Even more for the ladies.

Olivia Munn

She’s everywhere. I don’t mind that.

Queen Latifah

Star of the critically-acclaimed films, Taxi and Last Holiday.

Ron Rifkin and Bradley Cooper

Rifkin is that one dude from The Negotiator and Cooper has terrible taste in women.

Selita Ebanks

Ebanks is a Victoria’s Secret angel and the former fiancee of Nick Cannon. Sadly, Cannon dumped her when she revealed that she wasn’t an old, wealthy, demanding diva.

Spike Lee

I like to picture Lee yelling at the players.