Chad Ochocinco > Dr. Phil

If the NFL counted Tweets as receiving yards, then Chad Ochocinco would have been the greatest single season receiver in New England Patriots history last year. Sadly, that idea will have to wait for the next CBA meetings. Ochocinco – who may or may not be changing his last name back to Johnson – has told the Patriots that he will drop his $3 million salary to $1 million just to keep his spot on the roster in 2012.

In the meantime, Ocho is still Tweeting away, and one man recently reached out to the once-boastful Pat to help put an end to his lack of confidence and non-existent love life. Ocho’s advice?

I’d love to produce a talk show for Ocho on which lonely losers ask him advice and his answer to every problem is: “Strip club.” Because, honestly, that is pretty much the perfect answer to any problem. Well, except maybe a combination of sex addiction and no money. In that case, the advice should be whatever the opposite of a strip club is. I guess that would either be church or a WNBA game.

Nevertheless, the girls at Tootsie’s in Miami have risen to the challenge and welcome Ocho’s lonely pal with open… um, arms.

“Thanks Chad,” purred Tootsie’s Girl Ariel. “We know how to cheer up guys and make them forget all their problems.”

Tootsie’s Cabaret Miami features hundreds beautiful girls performing in a huge 75,000 square foot adult playground. Tootsie’s is part of the Rick’s Cabaret chain of gentlemen’s clubs.

And Rick’s, of course, is the gentlemen’s establishment in New York City that still has an open invite to Tim Tebow for a pro bono lap dance. I’m going to assume his lack of response to their generous offer is the reason he was recently booed at Yankee Stadium. Time to be a gentleman already, Tim.

(Banner via Getty. Thanks as always to our buddies at Rick’s Cabaret for the tip and for eventually hosting the bachelor parties for my first, third and fourth marriages.)