Cool Rape Jokes, War Machine

Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaver has made lots of great decisions in his life, including:

1. Legally changing his name to War Machine to fight a copyright claim from a “f*ggot ass” pro wrestling company
2. Posting on Myspace about how he hoped President Obama would be assassinated
3. Fighting people outside of gay clubs
4. Getting his porn star girlfriend’s name tattooed in giant letters across his neck, and having “PROPERTY OF WAR MACHINE” tattooed on her shoulder
5. Getting so mad at 4Chan trolling him on Twitter that he punched himself (HIMSELF) in the face

His latest awesome, constructive decision was to tell everyone on Twitter about how he forced sex on his girlfriend, and how everyone should follow his lead. Hahaha, no, seriously.

When people were like, “uh, dude” about him adding a tongue-sticking-out emoticon to a sentence about how he raped somebody, War Machine clarified his point.

Real men rape. (Their GF’s and wives, not strangers, don’t get your panties in a bunch.)

Well, to his credit, she DOES have “property of War Machine” tattooed on her body forever. I don’t know what kind of legal rights that gives you, but I’m not an MMA Logistical Scientist.

If you think it’s concerning that a guy with documented mental problems and the job of punching thinks masculinity is defined by how often you rape people, stop being such a sensitive ass bitch with bunched panties! You just didn’t understand his context.

A short time later, War Machine was sitting under a tree, contemplating which ladies to rape instead of doing errands, when an apple fell from a branch and conked him on the head. Suddenly, an epiphany!

I tweeted something earlier that was stupid, insensitive and wrong. Rape is never something to joke about ever. I sincerely apologize

That, of course, was accompanied by a statement from Bellator CEO Bjorn Rebney, which amounts to “War Machine said something offensive and will learn from his mistakes, pinkie swear, anyway, please watch Bellator brand television shows, love Rebney.”

At the end of the day, I think Mack herself had the best statement on the matter. For property, she’s pretty astute.

Suggestion: delete War Machine’s twitter, break his phone, throw his computer out the window, keep him away from sharp objects and leave him in an empty room with a copy of Moby Dick until he’s read the entire thing.