On Tuesday night’s episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart unleashed an amazing rant about the city of Philadelphia that would have made Liz Lemon whip snowballs at him until her arms fell off. During that declaration of hatred, Stewart dragged the universally lovable Phillie Phanatic into it by referring to the majestic undersea king as a “f*cked up Jim Henson-reject-looking piece of sh*t.” Meaner words, perhaps, have never been spoken by Comedy Central’s leader in late night hilarity.
That’s why Stewart had to come to his viewers heart in hand last night with a solemn apology to the people of Philadephia, and most importantly the Phanatic, for being so cruel to a wonderful creature who brings otherwise miserable baseball fans so much happiness. But in that very same apology, Stewart revealed that the Phanatic also apparently made a sex tape with Billy the Marlin and Fredbird, and the result was chilling.
That’s right, even in group mascot sex, the St. Louis Cardinals mascot is the classiest animal in the room, always allowing the guy before him to finish before he jumps in to bang the giant fish.