03.22.07 11 years ago 3 Comments

Sports by Brooks found this offbeat story: Cubs closer Ryan Dempster has spent his offseason training to be a ninja. Or so he says. 

"You have to (learn) how to throw a throwing star and nunchucks and all those kinds of things," the Chicago Cubs closer says. "Obviously you've got to do martial arts and learn how to be really quiet, which is a tough task for me because I talk a lot… It's pretty cool. I wear the outfit around the house and try to sneak up on people."

So how does one train to be a ninja anyway?

You can read books," Dempster explained. "I watch a lot of the movies. You go through different senseis."

Ah, the distinctive whiff of bullshit. Virtually undetectable to a cub reporter with no sense of humor. I'd think that the Arizona Daily Star would be able to detect sarcasm, given that it used these atrocious puns: "Dempster wants to be ninja; will he come to his senseis?" and "The throwing star also is learning to throw a throwing star."

Awesome, right? A poll I conducted of six-year-olds, birthday party clowns, and Steve Allen's corpse determined that those puns were the wittiest things you'll read all day.

(Also, be sure to watch Dempster's Harry Caray impersonation. Pretty good stuff.)

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