10 UFC 162 Main Event Conspiracies That I Just Made Up Off The Top Of My Head

07.08.13 6 years ago 25 Comments

In case you didn’t join us for Saturday’s UFC 162 live discussion or you’re Amish, showboatin’ Anderson Silva dropped a turd in the hot tub that is his legacy by losing via second round TKO to Chris Weidman in the main event. The loss snapped Silva’s perfect streak since joining the UFC, and it also put an end to one of the greatest title reigns in mixed martial arts history. And as Silva claimed after the loss that he would not seek a rematch against Weidman, UFC President Dana White thinks that he’ll come around soon enough.

White previously stated – presumably while rubbing his fingertips against his thumb – that if Silva lost to Weidman, he’d be granted an immediate rematch. And he still seems pretty serious about that happening, whether Silva wants it or not.

“I guarantee you there’s nothing more he wants than that rematch with Chris Weidman,” White said late Saturday night in the UFC news conference following UFC 162 at the MGM Grand. (Via the Los Angeles Times)

That’s the PG, family-friendly Dana White quote that you can read to children after you explain why that dancing guy never put his hands up before having the back of his head bounced off the mat like it had “Wilson” printed on the side. But White’s not a PG guy, so of course he had a more colorful way of putting it.

“Nobody wants to lose. He doesn’t know how to lose, he doesn’t remember how to lose, it’s been too long since he lost. This one’s going to sink in a couple days after,” White explained after UFC 162 concluded. “Like I said, the first thing I hear when we walk in is somebody thinks it’s a fix and all the stupid s*** that people are going to say will start to drive somebody crazy.

“Everybody knows, I know, everybody knows he’s going to want the rematch.”

On one hand, I wish David Stern was this tactless and blunt in addressing accusations that the NBA is fixed. On the other hand, you know how you get people to not talk about how they think Silva took a dive against Weidman for the sake of boosting PPV sales for a rematch? Don’t talk about it.

But since White brought it up, I’m gonna get tin foil hat crazy on your asses and talk about 10 reasons I think the main event at UFC 162 was fixed, starting with the logical and thorough, and devolving into the most ridiculous lunatic ideas that I can possibly think of, and you will believe them all because WE’RE ALL PUPPETS OF THE ILLUMINATI, MANNNNNNNNNN.

As I wrote last week, both the UFC and Silva needed Chris Weidman to win this fight. As much as we’ve loved watching Silva dominate fight after fight, it gets really old after a while. It’s like when Goldberg was spearing his way through the WCW – at some point, if you don’t find someone who can serve as a great rival, people will lose interest and go elsewhere for excitement.

So who better than the guy who didn’t really deserve the title shot (yet) but had the most people buzzing? Who better than the guy who is undefeated and just so happened to be the only guy in the middleweight ranks who didn’t lose and therefore became the No. 1 contender by default?

Weidman was unknown enough by casual fans that the UFC could build him up into a living urban legend by marching out Georges St-Pierre, Ronda Rousey and Rashad Evans, among others, and having them talk about how Silva doesn’t stand a chance against Weidman’s wrestling.

Silva agrees to take a dive for the sake of reigniting interest in his stagnant division, and Weidman becomes the new champ for the next few months until the rematch is scheduled. But can he defend the title against Silva now that the former champ knows to take him seriously? Pay the UFC $50 and you can find out.

In addition to the aforementioned idea that Silva simply needed to lose for the sake of the division and promotion itself, there’s also the idea that the ink was already dry for Silva-Weidman II before the two even faced each other on Saturday night, because White likes to map out his biggest shows far in advance.

Nobody buys the idea that UFC 162 only pulled 800,000 buys, no matter what White wants us to believe, because even if the division is stagnant, Silva still demands a lot of attention. But let’s say for the sake of my conspiracy theory that the number was actually 800K, which is about on par with other PPVs of late. That’s going to jump to at least one million for a rematch, but if it’s the main event of the UFC’s Super Bowl eve fights on Feb. 1? KABOOM.

Especially since the event will be held in New Jersey this year, instead of the business-as-usual crowd in Vegas. Silva-Weidman II will have Jersey bros pressing their dress tank tops for weeks in advance to catch that fight.

Obviously, you could argue that the UFC isn’t lacking in American-born champions, what with Demetrious Johnson, Benson Henderson and Ronda Rousey all being wrapped in the stars and stripes. But what about the Big 3 divisions, you guys? Only the Light Heavyweight title is being repped by an American these days, with Jon Jones being our Star-Spangled stud.

The Heavyweight champ is Cain Velasquez, an American by birth but the son of a Mexican immigrant. To some people – not me, mind you – that’s not American enough for their tastes. Coupled with a Brazilian owning the Middleweight title for the last 1,000 years or so, I ain’t watchin’ no UFC until I see someone who looks like me. Bald eagles! Pickup trucks! Hamburgers with processed cheese!

Bingo bango, Weidman comes along and gives the heartland a shot of testosterone with a TKO over Silva and he wraps the American flag around his shoulders while “Born in the USA” plays in the background. That could only be more American if Lee Greenwood burned it into a French man’s lawn.

We already knew heading into UFC 162 that Silva wanted to have a straight up boxing match versus Roy Jones Jr., because who among us wouldn’t want to watch a 38-year old MMA legend take on a 44-year old retired boxer? *raises hand*

But what better way to both breathe new life into the Middleweight ranks and reach out to the boxing fans of the world by setting up a “superfight” that really doesn’t count as a superfight? White could give Silva a break from his middleweight duties in order to become the new center of attraction in a series of fight that scream, “THIS MAN WILL FIGHT ANYONE!!!”

It starts with Jones Jr., continues with Manny Pacquiao (Floyd Mayweather ain’t taking a fight for less than $30 million), culminates with Silva vs. CM Punk at Wrestlemania, and eventually jumps the shark with Silva fighting an actual shark in an underwater arena.

Somewhere in a dark room, in the minutes leading up to the main event at UFC 162, Dana White stood in front of a focused Anderson Silva and told him, “There’s only one way that you’re going to make a superfight with Georges St-Pierre happen, and that’s by losing to Weidman and making Rush think that you’re not unbeatable anymore.”

Silva snapped out of his pre-fight trance and replied, “But GSP thinks that I’m going to lose this fight. He just thinks that Weidman is a more complete fighter and that I lack the ability to take him seriously and not showboat and dance around him like I’m untouchable. Me losing won’t make GSP want to fight me any more than he already does.”

White, flicking the tip of a syringe needle, smirked and responded, “You just go out there and take a dive, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Maybe White had nothing to do with influencing Silva to lose, and the dive was completely one-sided. Perhaps Silva just wanted to lose his title and take the attention off of him for a bit so people would quit trying to pencil him into superfights with GSP and Jon Jones (above), because he was actually afraid of the other champs the entire time.

Think about it – now that Silva can sit back and contemplate his next move, he can respond to superfight demands by A) retiring, B) agreeing to the rematch with Weidman or C) faking his own death, collecting the insurance money and opening his own Jimmy John’s in Toledo. “Haha, no I’m not Anderson Silva,” he’ll tell a suspicious customer. “My name is… um… Danderson Milva.” But you can bet those subs will be fast.

Back when Michael Jordan first retired from the NBA, we were expected to believe that it was because he had accomplished everything that he could as the greatest NBA player of all-time and wanted to become a baseball star instead. Except, he was a terrible baseball player and the “retirement” conveniently ended after 11 months, and he returned to the Chicago Bulls to win more championships.

Some people believe that the year off from basketball came as the result of a private punishment from David Stern, who was cracking down on Jordan’s unapologetic fondness for gambling. In fact, many people actually believe that Jordan’s father was murdered as the result of a big debt.

So maybe Silva was forced to lose his title because of a similar behind-the-scenes issue. My guess? He was using his Burger King earnings to fund orphan organ farming for the offspring of the Nazi defectors living in Brazil in the decades following WWII. Again, that’s just my guess, but do you have any evidence to prove that he’s not harvesting the kidneys of young children?

Maybe that wasn’t even Anderson Silva fighting Weidman on Saturday night? Did anyone in the UFC even think to run a DNA test prior to him entering the octagon for the main event? My belief is that it was actually his twin brother, Ozzie, who showed up to fight in his place. Now, some purists will argue that Silva doesn’t have a twin brother, or a sibling named Ozzie, for that matter.

Those people are just puppets of the UFC’s illuminati and New World Order that doesn’t want us to know that all of the fights are fixed and the fighters are all just gay, Jewish actors trying to get us to vote for a Muslim.

While UFC 162 was supposedly happening on Saturday night in Las Vegas, our nation’s government was pulling off one of the greatest human rights atrocities in the history of mankind. Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his socialist yes-men opened a FEMA camp in your backyard. Seriously, go outside and look right now, because there’s a death panel just sitting there waiting for your old relatives to die.

And they got there because you were too busy watching a fight that wasn’t even happening. If you go back and watch the entire PPV and preliminary fights backwards, you’ll notice that the fights were actually clips of previous fights spliced together to make it look like something new was happening. Instead, the NSA now has sleeper cells in your house, funneling your bank info and health insurance to China.

We don’t exist. We are just insignificant bit players in one man’s dream. That man?

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