Soccer Riots, Now Available At Weddings

I’m not married, but for the longest time my wedding bucket list has included:

1. Get married in a castle.

2. Get fired from my job on the day of my wedding.

3. At some point during the reception, the bride gets punched in the face.

4. Police are called more than once.

5. Lobster dinners are thrown.

In what might be the most hilariously European story ever reported, ex-Newcastle United player Danny Guthrie has lived my dream wedding. During his wedding to girlfriend Rebecca at Allerton Castle, an estate near Harrogate, Yorks, violence erupted, a guy tried to break down the door to get in and everything on that list happened. The lobster hurling is is like, 80-20 true. His Twitter says the story is “gossip gossip gossip”, but I’m moving forward believing he got married, had a bad day and watched his life turn into the last minute of any Three Stooges film.

Via the Telegraph, with a lobster-tip to Dirty Tackle:

It was reported that bride, Rebecca, 23, was punched in the face during the melee and had to go to hospital for checks the following morning.

Police broke up the first fracas but then at 4am – after staff at the Castle had locked out the guests – police were called again by the frightened managers when a man allegedly kicked and smashed down the door to gain entry.

Yesterday, in an apparent reference to the incident, Guthrie suggested the incident had been blown out of proportion.

People breaking down doors and attacking women in the face … is there any way to connect this to the zombie apocalypse? It’ll be worse in England. Their zombies run.

Anyway, the capper to the story is the reaction of the sources at Allerton Castle, who reacted to the night’s events by giving two great, impossibly foppish quotes and watching helplessly as their monocles fell into their wine glasses.

“To say they behaved like peasants with money is an understatement,” the sources said.

“They were chucking the lobster thermidor about. How can you comprehend such behaviour?” a source said.

This is just British wedding fan fiction, isn’t it?