David Lee Roth's Open Letter About Playing The Super Bowl Is A Thing Of Beauty

I guess I haven’t been paying enough attention to NFL news, because apparently there was a rumor going around that Van Halen – the David Lee Roth Van Halen and not one of the other guys – was already locked in as the halftime act for Super Bowl 47 in New Orleans. Well, it makes sense that I hadn’t heard that rumor, because it was most likely started by Van Halen’s psychotic front man.

So how exactly do you shoot down a rumor that you started while not actually shooting it down? Please allow David Lee Roth to show you precisely how it’s done, in the classic form of the open letter.

An Open Letter

I’m compelled to address the now-rampant rumors that Van Halen is playing the Superbowl. First of all let me say this — be still my pigskin heart. That honor has not been bestowed upon us at this time though it is one we would accept in a NY minute.

Having heard VH blaring through stadium speakers on any given Sunday – more like every given Sunday, the idea of playing there live would be like – ‘okay, now we’re in the game’.

Van Halen’s collective memories are – and with all due respect to each and every one of these memories, teeming with been-theres and done-that’s, but none include playing at the Superbowl. Playing at the Superbowl is a veritable holy grail of musical recognition, a highly prized rite of passage for (game-changing) artists. Not a spiritual rite with snake pits or Hebrew school or anything, but it’s up there.

We are not on Commissioner Goodell’s dance card at this time, but we would be most honored to dance the halftime away in New Orleans.

It’s an honor to be considered and for that we would like to thank the rumormongers all over the World Wide Web.

– D-Ro

First of all, I love that he calls himself D-Ro, because that’s just ridiculous. But I’m all for this, because as Spin points out, this is the same Van Halen that can reunite and sell 188,000 copies of its new album in its first week and then sell out arenas across the country, because people are desperate to believe that a couple guys in their mid-50s can recapture their old magic. And then the band turns around and inexplicably cancels 32 shows, offering no reason at all.

So yes, I’d love to see Van Halen get everyone worked up, only to no show the Super Bowl. Then we could just watch that dude bounce his crotch off a rope for 20 minutes. Maybe trot Kate Upton out there with a trampoline. Dream big, everyone.