03.19.07 11 years ago 10 Comments

Few people know that old fat drunkard David Wells is actually still a pitcher in the major leagues. Wells, who went on the DL last year with a case of gout ("the disease of kings"), has now been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and must now give up his one true love, drinking. I know, I know: weird, right? Who would expect a chronically overweight drunkard to develop diabtetes?

“This is a major lifestyle change. I don't want this going to Type 1 diabetes. I want to be around for a while. If you don't take care of this, it can lead to some scary stuff… like losing limbs. If anyone has this, it's a red flag, period…

Losing limbs wouldn't be so bad for Wells. He could get that hollow leg he's always wanted. 

"I'm dying right now… I need some food in me. I'm eating like a rabbit… salads, fish, chicken.”

Wait, rabbits are eating fish and chicken now? Has Wells been hanging out at the cave at Caerbannon? Because I'm really not ready to live in a world where rabbits are predators. Those visions are reserved for my nightmares, co-starring Dick Vitale, the 18th Amendment, and clowns riding horses.

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