According to something known as the “news”, Kenneth Bae is a 44-year old Korean-American who was arrested in North Korea and sentenced to 15 years of hard labor for “hostile acts” against the country. Of course, nobody but Kim Jong-Un and his super happy government officials know what those hostile acts consisted of, as Bae was in the country with some Chinese businessmen. Needless to say, Americans are very concerned for Bae’s well-being, and many people are hoping that someone like Bill Clinton or Jimmy Carter can work some magic like they have in the past.
Alas, North Korea officials have stated that they would not allow Bae to become a political bargaining chip as other prisoners of the state have been in the past. Fortunately, the U.S. has a secret weapon that may help in this case. No, it’s not one of thousands of missiles that could smear Kim Jong-Un’s ass from Onsong to Haeju. This weapon is smarter, stronger, faster and sometimes dressed like a woman. It’s Dennis Rodman.
First of all, if this just flat out works, Rodman should be declared the permanent global ambassador to North Korea. And what a social coup this would be for the Worm, too. He’s spent the last several years as a celebrity DJ. But because one wacky dictator is obsessed with being his friend, Rodman could suddenly become one of the most influential men in the world.
Regardless of whether or not this happens, I think we already missed out on the best plan – sending Rodman to North Korea dressed as a woman so he could marry Kim Jong-Un, like in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. I’m pretty sure it would look a little something like this: