Disgusting Man Wins Another Trophy

One of America’s more subtle and nuanced July 4th traditions is the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held every year at Coney Island, where competitors jam as many wieners into their mouths as they can in ten minutes in front of a screaming crowd. [Joke about one of the reader’s female relatives here.] BOOMROASTEDORSOMETHING. Anyway, this year the event was again won by American Joey Chestnut, his fifth consecutive victory. Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs during the ten minute time period, holding off challenger Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, but falling short of his world record of 68.

At this point, let’s take half a step back and think about something. Sixty-two hot dogs. Sixty-two. In ten minutes. Holy moly.

To give you an idea how many hot dogs that is, I’d like to tell you a story. A couple times a year, my precious Philadelphia Phillies will hold a “Dollar Dog” night, where hot dogs cost $1 throughout the game. Back when I was in college, some friends and I thought it would be awesome to try to eat one per inning, for a total of nine (9) hot dogs. I made it to the 6th inning and promptly threw up everywhere. (One of my friends, who weighed over 300 lbs at the time, got through all nine and then threw up on the way home.) And while I’ve never been the biggest eater in the world, that still means I couldn’t get 10% of the way to the record in 12x the time. That’s ridiculous.

In conclusion, I bet Joey Chestnut poops like a dinosaur.