Dear Doug Martin,
You are the Muscle Hamster, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Yes, I said it. So have millions of fans. But you hate that name, don’t you? You’ve been fighting it ever since your Boise State days. You even called out the NFL publicly on Twitter about it.
I get it. Maybe you hate it because it reminds people that you aren’t the tallest guy in the world, and you don’t want your size to be such a massive part of your public identity. Maybe you really hate that you aren’t taller. Maybe you just really hate hamsters. I don’t know why that would be true, but I really hate hairless cats, so I can understand an irrational hate towards an animal, even as one as cute and adorable as a hamster. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you don’t want to be adorable. Maybe you want to project an air of badassery, which is why you are now insisting everyone call you Douggernaut. I’m sorry, but Douggernaut is crap, or at least inferior to Muscle Hamster. Pun Nicknames are the worst.
I take that back, actually. Self-given pun nicknames are the worst. Have you ever seen The League? There is a character named Andre in it, and Andre constantly gives himself and his things nicknames based off his name. He is constantly made fun of for this, and is essentially the most pathetic character on the show, deserving of all the scorn thrown his way. You are Andre right now, Doug. You are the worst.
You can’t hold everyone hostage and demand you not be called Muscle Hamster. I’ve got some bad news for you. You don’t get to choose your nickname. Nicknames are given to you, and it’s up to you to just own that sh*t. If Calvin Johnson went on record tomorrow as hating the nickname Megatron, do you know what would happen? Everyone would still call him Megatron. If Big Ben Roethlisberger came out and said, “You know what? I don’t like being compared to British architecture,” we’d still call him Big Ben. It’s not your choice. You want it to be, but you are a public figure, it’s not your choice anymore. That’s why we still call you Muscle Hamster, despite how much you tell us to stop.
It’s astounding how little you seem to understand that the harder you push against Muscle Hamster, the more you’ll get called Muscle Hamster. Did you not go to high school? The more you hate a thing, the more people will use that thing against you. Your only options are to flat out ignore it and hope it goes away, or to wear it like a badge, and turn the ridicule into affection. You keep making this mistake, Mr. Martin. You keep bringing up how much you hate this nickname and how much you want it to change. All it makes me want to do is call you Muscle Hamster. In fact, one reason I am writing this letter is because I want an excuse to keep calling you Muscle Hamster. YOU ARE THE MUSCLE HAMSTER.
You can’t escape it anymore, Mr. Martin. You have one option left: Be the Muscle Hamster. You were given a blessing in disguise. You were given a #brand. You didn’t have to do anything other than play football good, and you were given your own #brand. So many players struggle to brand themselves in today’s sports world, and it goes poorly. Look at Antonio Brown cutting his hair funny; he’s just trying to get the same level of #brand Odell Beckham, Jr. got handed to him, and it’s just sad. Look at Colin Kaepernick try to force #7tormscoming into a thing, and accidentally insult disaster victims. Don’t go down this road, Muscle Hamster. You were given a beautiful thing. You were given free nickname recognition.
You were given a free #brand. If you own it, you can turn it into your life. You can sell Muscle Hamster t-shirts. You can sell tickets. Hell, I’d be happy to make you a Muscle Hamster logo. You can raise your public profile, and in the process possibly even raise your chances at a bigger paycheck. Muscle Hamster might not be the most flattering thing to being with, but you can make it great. Besides, the juggernaut is like 10 feet tall and is larger than everyone. Comparing yourself to that guy is just dishonest. Douggernaut? More like DouggerNOT.
Muscle Hamster is a bomb-ass nickname. It’s unique, clever, and fits you exceedingly well. So, just own it already. Let the Muscle Hamster flow through you. You might as well, because we will still call you Muscle Hamster anyway, Muscle Hamster.
Or maybe I’ll just call you Power Mouse or Swole Mole instead.