Dear Doug Martin,
You are the Muscle Hamster, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Yes, I said it. So have millions of fans. But you hate that name, don’t you? You’ve been fighting it ever since your Boise State days. You even called out the NFL publicly on Twitter about it.
I get it. Maybe you hate it because it reminds people that you aren’t the tallest guy in the world, and you don’t want your size to be such a massive part of your public identity. Maybe you really hate that you aren’t taller. Maybe you just really hate hamsters. I don’t know why that would be true, but I really hate hairless cats, so I can understand an irrational hate towards an animal, even as one as cute and adorable as a hamster. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you don’t want to be adorable. Maybe you want to project an air of badassery, which is why you are now insisting everyone call you Douggernaut. I’m sorry, but Douggernaut is crap, or at least inferior to Muscle Hamster. Pun Nicknames are the worst.