Sports

A Top Recruit Committed To Duke By Pretending To Be A Superhero


Tahj Rice is a four-star defensive tackle according to Rivals. According to his commitment video, he’s also a superhero who shoots blue lasers out of his eyeballs and rescues damsels in distress.

Rice announced he committed to Duke in a video posted by the Louisville Courier-Journal on Tuesday where the high schooler becomes a Duke superhero and rescues a woman tied up in a basement. The campy video was Rice’s way of announcing his college decision, which also included his hometown Cardinals as well as Oregon, Virginia Tech and USC.

First we see a headline in the Aspirations Journal-News: ‘T-NASTY ON THE LOOSE * WHERE WILL HE GO NEXT * CAN HE SAVE THE DAY … AGAIN?’ It’s not clear if this T-Nasty fella is good or bad, but the editor of the newspaper clearly wants answers.

At first, Rice appears to be a reporter at AJ-N. The bald man we assume is the editor asks him if he’s “on this” headline. The high school senior says he can be! He runs off to investigate.

NEXT HEADLINE PLEASE.

Oh no, a beauty queen has been held hostage! Note the nonsense dummy text below the headlines. The situation is so dire they couldn’t finish the paper and dropped in some Lorem Ipsum and went to press. Truly, we need a hero here.

We next see said beauty queen tied up in a basement somewhere by some unknown assailant. A fella in an Oregon Ducks shirt tries to rescue the woman and he’s promptly exploded by a green fireball.

That seems a bit excessive, but Oregon is obviously out. It’s crossed out on the leaderboard, and four teams remain. Next, a kid in a USC Trojans shirt gets frozen by a blast of yellow light, then is atomized. This dude is dangerous and the authorities should be called. Vigilante justice in the name of college athletics is clearly not working here.

Our next victim for the Jordan-clad bad guy is from Virginia Tech. This poor turkey tries to sneak up on the bad guy and is… roasted alive by some kind of curved stick? I’m not sure what’s going on here. Is this guy a wizard? Some kind of elemental? Is he the evil Avatar? Are these college-themed superheroes also not getting paid? Seems like a bad system here.

As a reminder, the death count of this college football commitment video is now three.

Finally, a hero emerges. A man in a Louisville Cardinals shirt catches two fireballs from the bad guy, who leaps into his arms for some reason and… I don’t know is red electrocuted to death or something. I’m starting to lose the script a bit.

But just before Captain Cardinal can save the day, Rice pops up on screen to say “Nope. That’s not how this one ends.” He opens his purple button-up shirt to reveal a Duke shirt underneath. He then … murders the Louisville Cardinal player by clapping?

Yeah so … Rice caught a fireball, then knelt down, clapped, and made the Louisville guy’s bones explode. I’m not sure why, considering that they appeared to be on the same side. Eitehr way, the beauty queen doesn’t seem to mind all this murder and mayhem on her behalf.

“Oh T-Nasty, I knew you’d be the one,” she says as Rice uses his laser eyes to melt the ropes that had once bound her hands.

Rice then sweeps her off her feet and the video ends, but not before Rice says “Duke gang: it’s official”. Well, that’s settled — he’s going to Duke.

I’m not sure what story he’s going to write for his paper considering four people were brutally killed and he actually is T-Nasty, but I hope he meets his deadline.

(via SB Nation)

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