I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.
The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.
Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.
I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.
– The clip starts like any other awards show: with someone young yelling JOHNNY DEPPPPPPPPPPPPP, and Johnny Depp stumbling out to accept an award and talk about how humbled and honored he is while looking like one of the Country Bears.
– Folks covered in slime announcing Kristen Stewart as the “favorite female butt-kicker,” followed by Kristen Stewart being unable to believably say words or express emotion. Seriously, she’s like the real life version of the Wild and Crazy Guys. She can’t say anything without it sounding like she ran it through a translator for comedy.
– How hilarious is that row of kids they’ve got standing next to the winners at all times, so when the awards are announced Katy Perry or whoever can stand up and slap some hands from like ten feet away and look affable without having to actually interact with anybody? The Kids Choice Awards is like an awards show on ADD, but tightly-controlled ADD.
– Guys in sumo suits get propelled through a prop wall, and when they’re done, The Rock does a countdown and the sumo guys get slimed. Because being in a sumo suit and being hurled through a f**king wall is apparently NOT ENOUGH for these BLOODTHIRSTY YOUTHS.
– Neil Patrick Harris vaguely performs magic, gets slimed by nothing for no reason.
– Dwight Howard dunks, stands under the goal screaming, and then THE BASKETBALL GOAL SLIMES HIM. FOR NO REASON. Dwight Howard didn’t even win an award, because:
Favorite Male Athlete : LeBron James
– Ke$ha performed, because a song about her going down on a guy at the club and going home satisfied is TOTALLY appropriate for the Kids Choice Awards.
– Adam Sander yelling AY THANK YOU finishes us up, and I’m gonna guess that Grandma’s Boy and Bucky Larson ran out with slime guns and Super Soaked him for 20 minutes while One Direction danced in the background. I don’t know, I didn’t watch the entire thing.
So I guess what I’m saying is that being an adult is great, and congratulations, Dwight Howard, I guess!
[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]