England Soccer Ain’t Humpin’ Around

06.03.10 8 years ago 7 Comments

Abigail Clancy is an English lingerie model who is allegedly engaged to England soccer royalty Peter Crouch. In 2006, while England was competing in the World Cup, Abbey showed up in the tabloids in pictures of cocaine parties and with rumors that she was nailing an ex-boyfriend. This became a huge distraction to Crouch and his teammates, so he dumped her by fax and she was sent home humiliated. Since they’re back together for the 2010 World Cup, England’s manager Fabio Capello has instituted a strict limited sex policy for his team, which means all WAGs (wives and girlfriends) need to stay the F home.

In order to make sure his players aren’t canoodling with their women or the local trollops of South Africa, Capello has ordered the installation of high-tech TV sets in each player’s room at the team’s $677 million base camp. The TVs will allow Capello to check in on his players at any time, as he can secretly watch their downtime or he can contact them openly through the sets. Needless to say the players aren’t too pleased with this development, as they’ll actually have to use their hands for something.

Oi guvna, fetch me the deal, wouldya, Asia One News:

The news has not gone down well with the stars. A source close to the squad revealed: “It’s going to be like Big Brother. The hotel rooms used to be the place we all escaped to, now they’re not safe.”

The news comes after it was revealed that Capello has banned all WAGs from joining the World Cup party, and told his players that they can hook up with their loved ones only once a week. The 63-year-old is desperate to avoid a repeat of the last World Cup in Germany, where the WAGs’ boozy antics were blamed for ruining the team’s chances of glory.

Oh poor athletes only get to have sex once a week. I know bloggers that are happy if they get it once a year. Capello has made it clear to the WAGs and player families that they will receive no help in finding lodging in South Africa, as opposed to past World Cups. The WAGs aren’t taking the news very well, accusing the team of purposely keeping them away. When asked for comment, British Naval leader Captain Obvious just shook his head.

Meanwhile, Capello will bring his wife and his son to South Africa to stay with him, and I won’t spoil anything for you, but it ends with, “The Aristocrats!”

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