Everyone Is Retarded

06.14.10 8 years ago 18 Comments

Pictured here is yesterday’s cover for the New York post (click for larger). As you can see, it claims USA WINS 1-1, with the sub-headline “Greatest tie against British since Bunker Hill” — no small feat given the War of 1812.

Now, the New York Post isn’t exactly a bastion of journalism; it once cited The Big Lead as a source. But the predictable puns in its headlines give the paper a sort of classless charm, like your mom after a couple margaritas. And, to the paper’s credit, it likely references the famous “Harvard Beats Yale 29-29” headline, a point completely missed by Mediaite and countless others.

You would think if any country in the world would understand trashy rags with tacky headlines, it would be Great Britain, home of the Sun, the Mirror, and other filth. Nope. Here are some ACTUAL reactions to this headline from England fans:

This reminded me of the ‘Dewey Defeats Truman’ banner headline of the Chicago Tribune back in 1948.  How very embarassing… and it’s not soccer.  It’s FOOTBALL!!!

And the US was playing ENGLAND…not BRITAIN! [source]

Actually, the DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN headline was incorrect because it was premature and presumptive. Perhaps if the New York Post had printed this paper before halftime with the headline ENGLAND WINS 1-0, then it would be like the Chicago Tribune. But that, amazingly, is the LEAST bitchy of the Brit responses:

I’m not taking issue with the 1-1 Win headline. I’m laughing more at the Greatest Tie With Britain Since Bunker Hill part. Only a New York paper would consider a loss a tie. For the record, here’s what happened at the Battle of Bunker Hill. The British advanced 2 times, were stopped in their advances, & eventually overwhelmed the colony forces on the third advance once the rebels ran out of ammo, & sent the rebels running all the way to Cambridge. That’s a win for Britain, albeit a bloody one. Bunker Hill was no more a tie than the Battle at the Alamo was.

Oh, not to nitpick some more but the Battle of Bunker Hill was actually fought on Breeds hill. Bunker Hill was what both forces really wanted but was fought on Breeds before anybody got to their true objective. [source]

Yeah, thanks for uncovering that amazing trivia that I learned in the third grade. Here’s another shocker: only five people died in the Boston Massacre. Crazy, right? It’s like they didn’t have Wikipedia in the 18th century or something.

And another one:

Dear America.

This is a quick letter to inform you of how incorrect today’s New York Post’s headline is.

Firstly, you did NOT win yesterday’s World Cup game against us (England). It was a DRAW. How does the score 1-1 make it a win to the USA? Answer: IT DOESN’T.

Secondly, it wasn’t the greatest tie since Bunker Hill as we (England) played considerably better than you and it was only largely thanks to Tim Howard (who coincidentally plies his trade at Everton, an ENGLISH football team) and Emile Heskey’s inability to capitalise on decent chances.

Take note of the reasoning here. (1) England is better because the American goalie plays for a pro team in England, and (2) the fact that Jozy Altidore narrowly missed on two different scoring chances is completely ignored. That’s always the mindset of the losing fan: in the dream re-imagining of the game, all the what-ifs work for their team, while the what-ifs for the other team don’t exist.

Thirdly, it is not Clint Dempsey who should be credited with your equaliser, it was largely thanks to West Ham’s Rob Green’s inability to keep a clean sheet. [source]

But Green plays for an English pro team! Isn’t that supposed to be a testament to how awesome he is?

There were also a wide variety of complaints from Limeys who complained that they’re English, not British, la tee dah. Actually, you tea-swilling crybabies can suck a spotted dick, because England is part of Great Britain. Therefore, although not all Brits are English, all Englishmen are British. Do I need to draw a Venn diagram? It’s a pretty simple concept, but you can never underestimate the galactic f*cking stupidity of people on the Internet, even from otherwise reputable websites.

Oh, and one more thing while we’re talking about accuracy in headlines and America versus England…

That Sun headline is pretty egregious, no? So let’s just call this one a draw.

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