FIU Football Players Are Taking Recruits To Strip Clubs Because Why Not?

01.29.13 6 years ago 6 Comments

Miami Herald FIU football writer David J. Neal posted a rather humorous common sense piece over the weekend regarding two young, naïve Panthers Tweeting about how they took a recruit to a strip club during his visit. Though his Twitter account has since vanished, the Tweets in question originated from sophomore DB Demarkus Perkins, or at least that’s what the handle @DPerk_15 would lead me to believe, despite him wearing No. 14. Kids these days and their crazy Tweeter names.

Basically, Perkins just laid it all out there…

And then he incriminated his teammate Isame Faciane, or @ICEem_down, by talking about something called a “snow bunnie” and I would very much like to know what that is.

Perhaps I can go undercover as a football recruit – my natural physique would suggest third-string place holder – and get these men to take me to a strip club. Alas, that is another stakeout for another day. In the meantime, Neal’s takedown of this inexplicable violation of the NCAA football bro code – “Thou shalt not commit infractions, but if you do, thou shalt not Tweeteth about it” – makes a lot of sense, as he believes that players shouldn’t be this dumb anymore. He also uses the phrase “Twerk Twins” and I would like to know which strip club he has been going to.

Unfortunately, I do not ultimately agree with Mr. Neal’s stance, because we want college football players taking recruits to strip clubs. We NEED them taking recruits to strip clubs. And it’s about time that we truly glorify this act.

Here is a clip of my newest favorite TV show of all-time, Untold Stories of the ER, which features the most poorly-acted dramatic renditions of “true” stories from hospital emergency rooms. It is amazing and everyone should watch it.

Now that you’ve watched that guy’s eyeball pop out of his face, here’s my pitch – Untold Stories of the Recruiting Trail. Instead of brow-beating and finger-wagging these young kids who just want to be swaggy ballers, let’s celebrate them by telling their stories in truly dramatic fashion.

This way, I can find out that a “snow bunnie” is actually a white female who dances for black men, and she usually has a large posterior. But will John Q. Football Fan ever know that if TLC doesn’t pick my recruiting show up with an 18-episode deal? Nope. This nation will only grow dumber.

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