Florida Man: "You Ain't Got To Go Home, But I Will Shoot You"

10.12.10 8 years ago 5 Comments

I just got home from a 5-day trip to the Bahamas, not like any of you jerks cared, but the first thing I checked was Florida news, and hot damn, I was not disappointed. A man in Niceville, FL, hosted a little NFL party for 5 of his closest friends on Sunday, and his house party made House Party 2 look like House Party 16. Turns out them fellas got a little liquid courage and subsequently rowdy. After complaints from neighbors, the host of the party asked his friends to take a chill pill. They responded by beating the piss out of him. He responded by getting his gun and shooting into the air. The whole world responded by saying, “For the love of God, Florida.”

Hey, Northwest Florida News, teach us about sentence fragments:

The men had consumed a lot of alcohol and began getting boisterous, the man told officers. When the man told his guests to quiet down. Then, when he asked them to leave because they were causing a disturbance, the men attacked him.

The man only fired into the air, but he still managed to hit more targets than David Garrard.

Now, for a little background on the quiet Hamlet that is Niceville, I’m going to take you all in a time machine back to 2000 at THE University of Central Florida, where I majored in getting f*cktarded. There were six guys in my fraternity from Niceville and they were probably the craziest guys I’ve ever met. One guy was so lazy that he refused to walk from his room to the bathroom, so he peed in bottles and just left them around his room. Even better, he pissed into apple juice bottles to screw with his roommates. I eventually had to ask him to throw the bottles out because the rest of the guys were pretty disgusted by them. Within seconds of me walking into his room and asking, one of the other Niceville guys walked in and asked for some apple juice, poured himself a glass of piss, drank half of it and walked out. That’s it, that’s the end of the story. People from Niceville drink pee.

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