Galapagos Birds Nearing Extinction

Pro Wrestling Editor

The mistreatment of the planet by human beings is going to cause a mass extinction like the one that killed the dinosaurs, and it all starts with this Lehigh Valley IronPigs player hitting a foul ball into the neck of the Phillie Phanatic and sending him to the hospital. The incident happened during the top of the third in last night’s “World Famous Phillie Phanatic Appearance” at Coca-Cola park, and was followed by an ominous IronPigs tweet: “The Phanatic will not perform again tonight as a precautionary measure after being hit by a foul ball.” Of course, being blasted in the neck didn’t completely end the Phanatic’s performance, as he sold it like a champ before disappearing into the ether of Allentown’s healthcare system.

The Morning Call featured a statement about the incident from the Phillie Phanatic’s Best Friend Tom Burgoyne, but I’m not going to directly link to them because they don’t seem to know how mascots work. The Phanatic is an extremely old bird, not a middle-aged man in a costume. Come on, guys, tighten up.

“The Phanatic is fine,” Burgoyne, 45, wrote this morning on his Facebook page. “He took one off the neck last night at the Iron Pigs game. Since we’re sooo close, I felt his pain and have a nice golf ball-sized knot just above my eye.

In true Phanatic fashion, Burgoyne added: “Bring on the A’s this weekend. “The Phanatic will be ready.”

Maybe this is karma for stomping a Mets hat on Japanese television. Haha, who am I kidding, the Mets aren’t good enough to have karma.

In a related story, Mr. Met fell down a flight of steps and nobody notice for like, two weeks.

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