We’re entering the home stretch of our Game of Thrones-themed MMA tournament, ladies and gentlemen, and the matchups are getting tighter than (the first three rounds of) McGregor vs. Mayweather. Last week saw The Incestuous Sixteen wrap up with four narrowly contested battles, so without further delay, let’s get to the final four matchups.
Jon Snow vs. The Night King
A matchup years in the making, The Night King vs. Jon Snow represents the ultimate battle between good and evil — think of it as Demetrius Johnson vs. War Machine, if you will — and as crazy as it might seem, any GoT MMA analyst worth his salt would have to give the edge to Snow here. He’s scored back-to-back victories over two elite White Walkers soldiers (The Night Kingsguard?) in close-quarters combat and is currently riding high after defeating Tormund Giantsbane in The Incestuous Sixteen, a name which I refuse to stop repeating until you all recognize its greatnesss.
Then again, if the fan theories are to believed and the Night King *is*, in fact, his brother, Bran, then Snow should probably start preparing to eat the dust here. No way a guy who can’t outsmart Ramsey Bolton is going to stand a chance against an all-seeing tree hugger who can control the minds of animals and travel through time, especially now that the latter’s got himself a pretty sweet wheelchair.
Khal Drogo vs. Bariston Selmy
True to his character in the show, Khal Drogo has been underperforming at nearly every turn in this tournament yet still picking up fanfare despite it. After nearly being upended by Davos Seaworth in his preliminary contest back in week 3, Drogo barely eeked out a decision over Jorah Mormont last week in what many assumed would be an easy win for one of the (allegedly) most savage fighters in GoT history. Now, he’s matched up against a 60-ish-year-old former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard fresh off a hard fought victory over Daario Naharis. Will Drogo struggle yet again before pulling off the W? Or will Selmy continue to prove what BJ Penn keeps failing to and score another surprise victory for the old dudes?
Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane vs. Oberyn Martell
You blew it, you guys. You really blew it. Two weeks ago, we gave you the PERFECT opportunity to finally make the much-hyped battle between Sandor and Gregor Clegane (aka “Clegane-Bowl”) a reality, and instead, you voted for Oberyn Martell to advance over The Hound. The same Oberyn Martell, mind you, that was already defeated by Gregor Clegane via submission (eyeball squeeze) in an all time classic back in season four.
Now look, I like Oberyn Martell as much as I do the next Lannister-hating bisexual warrior prince, but we could have had something new here. Something fresh. Something exciting. But you, the masses, voted instead for more of the same. And you wonder why we live in a world with like 6 different Spider-Mans.
Wun Wun vs. Brienne of Tarth
I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but I’m pretty sure that Wun Wun was only entered into this tournament as a gag — a gag which you have apparently decided to treat with all the respect that 4Chan did that Mountain Dew flavor contest. So once again, I shall repeat: PLEASE stop voting for Wun Wun.
Obviously, a fourteen-foot tall giant possessing the strength of 12 men would emerge victorious in an MMA tournament. Obviously. I imagine he would defeat the likes of zombie Mountain with almost comical ease. But let’s be honest with ourselves: there is virtually no scenario that could arise in the Game of Thrones universe (even the current fast-and-loose-with-the-rules universe) wherein Wun Wun would be allowed compete in a tournament of this nature. Wildlings have only just been allowed to cross South of the Wall, for starters, and even if Wun Wun somehow managed to snag a slot in the tournament, he’d be immediately disqualified by virtue of being 16-odd weight classes above his nearest competitor. I know we’re talking about a show with ice dragons and zombie armies here, but the buck has to stop somewhere, and that somewhere is Wun Wun.