Sports

The ‘Game of Thrones’ Old School MMA Tournament, Round 6: The Incestuous Sixteen

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As the overseer of the most prestigious Game of Thrones-themed MMA tournament on the web, it was both thrilling and a little disheartening to see so many of our remaining competitors (Jon Snow, The Night King, and Jorah Mormont to name a few) in one location without even one full-fledged fist fight breaking out between them on Sunday’s “Beyond the Wall.” Luckily, I have a feeling that next week’s finale will deliver upon a certain long-rumored “Bowl” that will single-handedly validate our efforts over the past month and a half.

With that all out of the way, let’s get to the second set of matchups that will round out The Incestuous Sixteen.

Khal Drogo vs. Jorah Mormont

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Despite nearly falling to his doom in the closing moments of their battle with the undead army, I would argue that Jorah Mormont was easily one of the MVPs of the Snowisicide Squad (credit: Matt Ufford). The disgraced son of of the former Lord Commander not only held his own against the undead army while brandishing two dragonglass daggers the size of steak knives, but bagged and tagged the wight that will be used to “convince” Cersei of the threat in the North next week, which I’m sure will totally work out just fine for all parties involved. The power of the FriendZone truly knows no bounds, ladies and gentlemen.

Meanwhile, the almighty Khal Drogo was barely able to escape his matchup with Davos Seaworth a couple weeks back despite holding the largest size and reach advantage you’ll ever see outside of a Hong Man Choi fight. Could Mormont be the dark horse that makes it all the way through this thing? And if so, would that be enough for Dany to finally throw him a pity lay?

Daario Naharis vs. Bariston Selmy

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As I mentioned when discussing his first-round matchup against Yara Greyjoy, the mental state of Daario Naharis simply cannot be overlooked here. This is a man who, for all intents and purposes, has spent the past few months drinking away his sorrows in Meereen while bedding each and every Daenerys Targaryen-cosplaying prostitute that crosses his path in an effort to cope with being dumped by the Mother of Dragons, the Breaker of Hearts. It’s not a solid training regimen, is what I’m saying, especially when you’re set to do battle with Bariston Selmy, one of the greatest fighters the Seven Kingdoms has ever known.

Has Selmy lost a little pep in his step with age? His TKO loss to the Sons of the Harpy would certainly argue that he has, but his absolute annihilation of Iron borne Hot Topic manager Euron Greyjoy in the preliminary rounds proved that he still has plenty left in the tank.


Ser Arthur Dayne vs. Brienne of Tarth

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I’m not exactly sure how good of a pre-fight promo Brienne of Tarth could cut, but my guess is that it would likely include the line: “I swore an oath to blah blah blah that blah blah (*armpit fart*).” It’s almost as if her entire character arc in the past few seasons has been to recap what her character arc was in prior seasons while occasionally beating the hell out of Pod in unnecessarily brutal sparring matches. If you graphed every line of dialogue that Brienne has spoken since she was introduced, I’m certain that roughly 33% of it would be something about an oath and the other 66% would be “m’lady.”

What does this have to do with fighting? Not much, I suppose, but if you’re the type of MMA fan that likes to make predictions based solely on nicknames, “The Sword of the Morning” sure beats the hell out of “Oathkeeper.”

Wun Wun vs. Jaqen H’ghar

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I feel the need to reiterate how unfair it is that Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun (aka “Wun Wun”), a fourteen-foot tall giant possessing the strength of 12 men, somehow found his way into this tournament. I’m pretty sure that it was meant as a joke, but now here I am, forced to discuss how ANY competitor in this tournament would stand a chance at defeating a fourteen-foot tall giant possessing the strength of 12 men in a straight up fist fight. It’s ridiculous.

That said, if there’s anyone in the known GoT universe who stands a chance at defeating a fourteen-foot tall giant possessing the strength of 12 men in a straight up fist fight, it’s Jaqen H’ghar. As the foremost assassin of the Faceless Men of Braavos, H’ghar managed to take out a gaggle of Lannister soldiers at Harrenhal with almost comical effortlessness before destroying his most talented pupil, Arya Stark, in the Wild Card preliminaries. You know how Rampage Jackson claims to have been poisoned prior to his Pride 15 match with Kazushi Sakuraba? You can damn well expect H’ghar to engage in some similar shenanigans were he to be matched up with, I dunno, a fourteen-foot tall giant possessing the strength of 12 men.

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