Gary Bettman Thinks NHL Players Are Stupid

Earlier this week, the NHL and NHL Players Association met with mediators to see if wasting more money could help put an end to this NHL lockout, and how did it turn out? Well, you’re not watching hockey highlights right now, so it obviously didn’t go well. So where do we go from here? Negotiations between the two sides aren’t going well at all. Hell, they can’t even agree on when to talk anymore. And third parties aren’t doing anything to make it any better. Who the hell can just fix this mess already?

Gary Bettman has an idea, actually. It’s a great idea, too. He wants the owners to sit down and meet face-to-face with the players. Wait, did I say this was a great idea? I meant that it’s horrible.

Sessions conducted by officials of the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service produced no agreement between the league and the NHL Players’ Assn., leaving in place the lockout the NHL imposed on Sept. 15. After Thursday’s talks, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman proposed arranging a meeting that would exclude executives on both sides and allow owners and players to have an unfiltered exchange of ideas.

The NHLPA did not immediately respond but was expected to raise the idea during a conference call Friday with players. Many players have taken part in negotiating sessions, but only a few owners have participated. (Via the L.A. Times)

Basically, Bettman wants the owners – you know, the guys with the money who want to make more money by taking money away from the players – and the players – the guys who aren’t making any money right now and are making death threats at Bettman and the owners on Twitter – to sit across a table from each other and try to reach an agreement. This, of course, is funny because the NHLPA exists so that the players don’t have to deal directly with the league and owners in labor bargaining, because the majority of players – if not all of them – are not qualified to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement.

Now, let’s say this stupid idea actually becomes a reality. I see it playing out in one of two ways…

1) The owners use their fancy businessmen language to trick the players into believing that the teams are losing even more money than they actually are, and the players, because they don’t understand the whole business thing, buy into it because, hey man, they just need to get paid already. The owners end up getting their 57/43 deal or whatever highway robbery CBA they’ve been pushing, and NHL writers everywhere start pumping out their “The Players Were Robbed” editorials.

2) Paul Bissonnette shows up hammered drunk, punches Ron Burkle in the face, pulls Eugene Melnyk’s dress shirt over his head, chugs an energy drink, vomits on the table, signs the new CBA with piss and then bangs two Ice Girls in the elevator.

Honestly, I’m leaning toward the latter.

Also, in case you want to pretend that the owners and Bettman have any concern for the fans at all, this is apparently something that is happening:

That it has “bro” in the email makes it the most perfect protest flyer ever.

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