A Guide To Naming Your Baby After Your Favorite College Football Team

Thanks to what I believe has been one hell of a bowl season, I can only assume that there are going to be a lot of accidental babies born nine months from now by couples that were either way too excited about their college football teams winning or random drunk fans that found other random drunk fans and boofed their misery away. That is, of course, if my assumption that everyone celebrates the same way, by boinking like crazy until a new day begins, is true. If not, I guess you could disregard this.

But my theory on sports-boning got me thinking about that lady who recently named her newborn son Krimson Tyde out of her love for the University of Alabama’s football program, and I thought that we could spend a little time leading up to tonight’s BCS Championship game between Florida State and Auburn to develop a solid naming process for children born of pride humping, much the same way that we have a formula for coming up with our porn names.

To determine your porn name, in case you’re a prude, you use the name of your first pet as your first name and the street that you grew up on as your last. For example, my porn name would be Shady 29th Street. I know, how am I not a star already? But for the sake of naming our children after college sports teams – something that is obviously a very good idea, since people aren’t complete pricks and won’t make fun of a child for decades all in the name of sports – I wanted to be a little less specific and a lot more scientific so that we can leave the door open for many children to be named after each team across every sport.

With baby Krimson Tyde, it’s clear that the parents just changed some letters around in the name and threw in a Y to make the name seem edgy and cool. What I’d like to do is create a mix that involves the team’s past or present star, mascot, cheers, coach and/or city to really drive home that passionate connection. Here are some examples for some random programs that I’ve chosen, and yes, you can feel free to use these. (Bonus: They’re unisex.)

Florida State: Jamefamestinston Bowtallynole
Auburn: Newton Toomer
Texas: Strong‘Em Hornhook
Ohio State: THE Buckurb Braxtus
Notre Dame: Goldtana Jesus
USC: Orgy Beerbong
Clemson: Daboyd Ragtiger
Arizona State: Synnamon Chastitty (has nothing to do with the Sun Devils, but is appropriate nonetheless)
Oregon: LaNike Quack
Penn State: NaJoenittany McGloinPa
LSU: Barkevious Geauxbayou
Louisville: Villeiam Papa
Vanderbilt: Cutler Smug
Florida: Spurrier Tebow (I’d bet $100 that this name already exists)
UCF: BORT O’BORTKNIGHT (Taken by me, eventually)
Miami: Sixthfloor U. Testasapp
Oklahoma: DeLandry Peterstoops
Virginia Tech: Rifle FireHolgo
Michigan: Victors Maizewolvie
Wisconsin: Cheese Beefbadger
Nebraska: Osborne Herbiehusk
Tennessee: Chesney Volmanning
Georgia: Dawglory Ugstafford
Texas A&M: Johnny (whichever profession the parents wish the child to be)
Duke: Fart Barfwrinkle III

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