Happy Anniversary, O.J. Simpson!

Senior Writer
10.04.10 11 Comments

It was 15 years ago yesterday that California’s judicial system first openly told the rest of the world: “If you’re a celebrity and you like to commit serious felonies then move here!” On October 3, 1995, Orenthal James “The Bus Driver” Simpson was found not guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson and her lover, Ronald Goldman. A very diligent and incorruptible defense team was able to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that O.J. had nothing to do with stabbing two people in a blind rage. And through that verdict, race relations in America were never better.

They say that the O.J. Simpson verdict is one of those events that you’ll always remember what you were doing when it happened, like the Kennedy assassination or Snooki getting punched. But I really don’t remember what I was doing on that day. It was 1995, so I was probably dry humping the girl who lived down the street. Or I was bribing the gas station guy to give me a case of St. Ide’s Special Brew for $100. Hooray for not understanding money as a teenager!

Reflections of the star of the Naked Gun trilogy and the only good thing to ever happen to the Buffalo Bills after the jump.

The Juice was of course arrested and charged with 12 counts of robbery last year, and he was sentenced to 15 years in prison, despite claims that he was set up. And he was set up and it was awesome. Prior to that, Simpson made news when he wrote a book entitled, “If I Did It,” in which he described how he would have killed Nicole and Ronald if he had actually done it, and he did do it, so it was pretty ballsy on his part. Also, Fox was involved, so you know it was classy.

As for the rest of the gang from the O.J. trial, here’s a quick rundown of what they’re up to:

Marcia Clark – Clark resigned from her job as California state prosecutor after she failed to convict a man who was clearly guilty of murder. After the trial, Clark wrote a book about the experience entitled, “Without a Doubt.” I haven’t read it, but I assume the rest of the title is “… I Really Sucked At My Job.”

Kato Kaelin – One of the key witnesses, Kaelin was O.J.’s house guest when everything went down. Kato has one of the most depressing IMDB profile’s on the planet, trumped only by the chick who pissed herself. He was actually paid to give lectures about how he coped with the end of his 15 minutes of fame. Discuss.

Fred Goldman – The father of Ronald won his civil suit against O.J. and has been draining the Juice’s assets ever since. O.J. was on the hook for $33.5 million to the Goldman family, but he decided not to pay any of it. So instead, Goldman bought the rights to O.J.’s book and published it with the name “If I Did It: Confessions of a Killer.” I believe the hip kids would say, “Pwned.”

Robert Shapiro – One of O.J.’s super-high-priced attorneys, Shapiro is well known for defending all types of celebrity scum. Most recently, he accepted a $1 million retainer from Phil Spector, didn’t defend him and kept the money anyway.

F. Lee Bailey – Another of O.J.’s super-high-priced attorneys, Bailey has since been disbarred because of another case. At least he’s not as bad off as the other attorneys.

Robert Kardashian – Dead. Most certainly from karma, as he defended O.J. and spawned his daughters Kim, Khloe and Khlewbacca.

Johnnie Cochrane – Just dead.

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