As a lifelong fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, I consider myself generally classier and more intelligent than all other baseball fans. In fact, to ensure my eternal status among the “Best Fans in Baseball,” a phrase recognized and accepted by everyone on Earth, I’ve recently had those words tattooed across my inner thighs, complete with scrotal ink of the classic ‘80s circle logo. Sure, it hurt, but it’s worth it to let people know that I’m basically the Opus Dei of people who do things… the right way.
Naturally, I was shocked on Tuesday when the New York Times broke the news that the Cardinals organization is being investigated by the FBI after evidence was discovered that linked the front office to the hacking of a database used by Jeff Luhnow and the Houston Astros. I was so shocked, in fact, that I couldn’t finish my BBQ breakfast platter and I was barely able to finish my BBQ lunch platter as well. The Cardinals? My Cardinals? Hacking another team for information as some sort of baseless revenge? I simply couldn’t believe it.
Now, because I’m a BFiB, or an MLB 1-percenter, I have a ton of respect for the Astros, unlike a lot of peons who were cracking wise and tweeting crude remarks like, “Why would the best franchise in the history of sports want to steal information from a bottom-feeder?” If you’ve paid attention this season, you’d know that the Astros have been outstanding, almost as good as the Cardinals, who have the best record in baseball. But this reportedly has nothing to do with stealing information, as much as it was like a bad high-school caper, with someone in the Cardinals being paranoid enough to believe that Luhnow was using information that he’d used as an employee of the Cardinals to help the Astros.
I’m not trying to downplay the severity of these accusations, though. Someone could be facing serious prison time, and this is something that is going to affect the franchise’s reputation for a long time, even if this proves to be a huge misunderstanding. Because I’m so classy and intelligent, I’d like to offer my services to Major League Baseball, the FBI, and God, who I’m often told is the only judge, in handing out these punishments now, so that we can all get back to enjoying this otherwise spectacular Cardinals season.
Remove every single computer and electronic device from Busch Stadium for one year. Make the entire organization operate using notepads, carrier pigeons, and tin cans connected by strings, and everyone from accountants to ticket sales must share one abacus.
Ban the Cardinals from the NLCS for one season. (Especially if it’s against the Giants, please.)
Draw stink lines and devil horns on Tony LaRussa’s portrait on the outfield wall.
Pretend that Ozzie Smith never existed.
Legally change Matt Carpenter’s name to Butthole Jones.
Forfeit a World Series title. (One from the early 1900s so nobody will really care.)
Change Stan Musial’s tribute to a picture of Wayne Knight from Jurassic Park.
Cardinals fans are prohibited from giving former players standing ovations for one season.
Nelly will throw out the first pitch at every game next season.
All Cardinals games in 2016 will be called by two Joe Bucks.
When healthy, Matt Adams will only play shortstop.
Yadier Molina must get this image as his newest neck tattoo…
Finally, every game must be played at home in 2016. No more trips to cities all over the country. The team must stay in St. Louis and play at Busch. That will make them think twice about cheating.
(Which they didn’t, because that’s simply not the Cardinal Way.)
