Jacksonville Jaguars Season Preview: Why Did You Leave Us, Jaxson De Ville?

09.06.15 3 years ago

Bort

Last Season: 3-13

Key Additions: TE Julius Thomas, OLB Dan Skuta, S Sergio Brown.

Key Losses: Jaxson De Ville

The Jags. There’s not really much to say about the Jags. They haven’t been very good for a while. They drafted the biggest question at QB last season with Bortles, instead of Carr or Bridgewater. The jury is still very much out on the Bort but both Bridgewater and Carr impressed as rookies while Bort didn’t have the best season. Bort is also the most raw of the three, so we do need some more time. He has had a mistake-free preseason as of this writing. Also, he did much better than Johnny Football, so that’s something.

Their stadium has pools in it, I guess that’s something too.

Uh..what else can I say here? Khan has a badass moustache.

Umm…uh…OH WAIT. The Jags look to have a very solid D-line with the addition of high draft pick Fowler….oh right, he tore his ACL. Nevermind.

To be perfectly honest this is a difficult post to write, because whatever is happening with the Jaguars is of secondary importance to the loss of the greatest mascot to ever live. Jaxson De Ville was a national hero, from every single parachute into the stadium to his amazing Ebola towel joke that he never should of have had to apologize for. We shouldn’t be sad, because now Jaxson is in a nice farm upstate where he can grab his dick whenever he wants for the rest of his life. Right? Right?!

I don’t know enough about the Jags so I’m just gonna let a real Jags fan work his magic here. Fan Preview by a Jaguars fan who goes by the username Bort Bortles:

The Jacksonville Jaguars.  Here are a bunch of words about them.  The most consistent part of the franchise for the past 20 years retired.  That retiree is the mascot Jaxon DeVille.  Curtis Dvorak was the original and only person to ever be the Jaguars’ mascot since the team’s inception in 1995.  I honestly hope that the team retires “Jaxon DeVille” and comes up with a new mascot.  Maybe even put him in the Ring of Honor.

About the actual football team, well, that (unlike the mascot play) has been terrible most of the past 15 years.  David Caldwell started in 2013; the GMs that came before him make Matt Millen look competent.  There are 4 players on the team from prior drafts:

1 player from 2006
1 player from 2010
2 players from 2012
One of them is a 3rd round draft pick punter named Bryan Anger.  Yep.

There are currently 5 first round selections on the Jaguars that were drafted as Jaguars.  No, Justin Blackmon does not count.

The 2009 draft had four players that are now starters for other teams.

A popular thing is joking about attendance at games, but the Jaguars have had pretty consistently middle of the pack attendance rates despite the terrible team “playing football” on the field.  Shad Khan just dumped hundreds of millions into stadium upgrades and there are big high-def viewscreens and pools you can swim in and watch the “football game” from.

This year, after week 2 at home against Miami, the Jaguars play one game at home in Jacksonville until Thursday November 19thagainst the Titans.  This includes a “home game” in London against the Bills.  That is a lot of road trippin’ and will probably suck.

The coaching staff that has been assembled may or may not be great.  Gus Bradley is irrepressably positive and energetic, especially considering the team has only won 7 games over the past two years.  Supposedly Doug Marrone (yes THAT Doug Marrone) has worked miracles with the O-line.  Bradley and Bob Babich are f*cking wizards that have coaxed a defense out of a bunch of crash test dummies and cardboard cutouts ducktaped to RC Cars, better known as mid-to-late round draft picks and cast-offs.

The roster is looking better than it has in years.  The Offensive line was a well-lubricated turnstyle last year but the team actually brought in new players at Guard, Tackle, and Center!  There were holes all over the Defense and new players drafted (RIP Dante Fowler’s knee) and/or brought in via Free Agency.  Blake Bortles is better than he gets credit for and the defense should not be gassed by the end of the second quarter because the Offense should be able to sustain more drives.

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