03.21.07 11 years ago 21 Comments

New Buccaneer quarterback Jeff Garcia, 37, will finally tie the knot with his longtime fiancée, former Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare, 24, in April.

And it's about time. Millionaire football player or not, Garcia is old, bald, and ugly, and he's not getting any less old, bald, and ugly. If I had enough ether to convince a decade-plus younger Playmate to marry me there's no way I would tolerate a multi-year engagement. We'd go straight to Vegas, then she'd get chained to the Stairmaster in the basement. Happily ever after.

Anyway, the Fanhaus's Michael David Smith did some stellar e-reporting and found that the couple is registered at Williams & Sonoma. I took a look at what they're asking for, and I was confounded by the fact that they want not just the 1-step stepping stool and the 2-step stepping stool, but the 3-step stepping stool as well. Christ, how many light bulbs do they plan on changing? I mean, once you have the 3-step stepping stool, aren't you kind of set?

Eh, whatever. I'll probably just get them the appletini mix they asked for. I understand that's Jeff's favorite way to unwind after a game. And who can blame him! It's exactly like a martini, but with artificial apple flavor instead of all the gin and vermouth and olives and suave manliness. So basically nothing at all like a martini. However, it's great if you don't have the guts to drink but still want to get drunk. Just like Jeff when Chris Simms takes his job in Week 7, or like Carmella when Jeff turns 45. Mazel tov, you crazy kids!

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