JK Rowling Is Writing Match Reports For A Fake Quidditch World Cup

Fans of the Harry Potter movie franchise, and even the books that I’m told were written before them, are probably already well aware of the treasure trove of information and fun that is available for them on the Pottermore website. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of fictional nonsense that allows author JK Rowling to continue increasing her ridiculous fortune while grown adults embrace a realm of fantasy and magic. To me, a person who wears team jerseys while not actually playing a sport, the whole thing simply sounds absurd.

But one of the new features on Pottermore showcases not only Rowling’s incredible writing talent and creativity, but also her flair for athletics, which is on display in the above photo from Wimbledon, at which she excitedly looked straight ahead. Rowling has been working on a new series of fictional updates from the 2014 Quidditch World Cup, which is currently (not) taking place in the Patagonian Desert.

Posing as the Daily Prophet’s Quidditch correspondent Ginny Potter, Rowling is already underway, and the 427th Quidditch World Cup couldn’t even get started without some serious problems. Apparently there was a huge fight between mascots, which are, of course, giant magical beasts. When will we learn?

A bloodbath is precisely what occurred when the two monsters were released into the magical lake through gigantic crystal chutes. Fijian and Norwegian handlers plunged into the seething waters to contain their respective mascots, but their efforts were greatly hampered by the Brazilian Curupiras (red-haired, forest-dwelling dwarves, whose feet point backwards and who protect fellow creatures whom they feel are under threat from humans). Evidently believing that the handlers meant the Dukuwaqa and the Selma harm, the Curupiras attacked.

With panic in the stadium and blood now flowing freely from both humans and creatures, it was perhaps understandable that the Nigerian Sasabonsams (vampiric, spindle-legged creatures) became crazed. As they wreaked havoc upon crowd and organizers, the rumor that the Haitian team had brought Inferi as their mascots was proven true. The crowd stampeded as Inferi moved freely through the stadium, attempting to capture and devour anyone who tripped.

Regulations on the size and nature of mascots have long been a source of debate at the highest levels of the ICWQC. A motion to restrict mascots ‘to herbivores, creatures smaller than a cow and nothing that breathes fire’ was defeated by an overwhelming majority in 1995. Quidditch supporters worldwidehave been opposed to any meddling with what they see as a traditional, colorful part of the World Cup.

There are two reasons that I’ve brought this to your attention today. First, even when posing as a fictitious sorceress, Rowling is a phenomenally better sports writer than Jay Mariotti. But second, and much more relevant, how crushed do you think the college hipsters, who actually pretend to play Quidditch for real, are by the news that Rowling would rather write about a make believe Quidditch World Cup than the one they hold each year? I have to imagine they’re pretty bummed.