Almost as soon as Derek Jeter’s Facebook page broke the news that 2014 would be the iconic New York Yankees shortstop’s last season, people started talking about all of the famous, attractive girls that he’s dated over the years. That’s because no athlete has done it better than Jeter, as he has managed to keep his relationships surprisingly private despite the fact that he was always dating such famous women that mere mortal men would have cut off limbs just to talk to. Oh, and he did it all while being one of the best players in baseball history. I guess that’s important.
Yesterday, SportsNation created a momentary cyber-stir by Tweeting this screen shot of “Derek Jeter’s Dating Diamond,” and while it’s very clear that someone just took a graphic of a baseball diamond and slapped some names on it, we can’t help but be a little upset at such a glaring lack of logic. At the risk of trivializing these celebrities – and while spelling all of their names correctly, unlike a certain Worldwide Leader – I thought I’d make some corrections to the starting lineup for the sake of accuracy.
For starters, let’s all address the top-heavy defensive liability in left field. As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m widely regarded as more intelligent and classier than other baseball fans, but I also have to hold my breath too many times in a season watching Matt Holliday bumble around left field. That’s what we’d get from Carey, so I’m moving her to DH.
Next up, we’re moving a short distance to shortstop, which should have been the most scrutinized position on this list. Now, if we were ranking these women, I’d probably have Scarlett Johansson in my Top 3, because nobody beats Minka Kelly in my book and Adriana Lima could order me to rob Fort Knox and I’d ask, “What time do you need the gold by?” But ScarJo as a SS? She wouldn’t be able to chase down the most mediocre groundballs to the left side, let alone screaming liners to the hole (teehee!). With her legs and ample, um, you know, she should be behind the plate.
Tyra Banks is the kind of insane, reckless field leader that I’d need sacrificing it all at short, so I’ll move her there. And Jessica Alba has never been accused of having range (sick acting burn), so I’m going to put her in right field like a Little League game.
Hannah Davis is the youngest talent on the field, which means she’ll be the least injury-plagued, and that means I can stick her out in center, where a few crashes into the wall might do her some good.
The biggest problem with the rest of these women is that they’re all on the wrong side of 30. That is, for a professional baseball player, before the activists start shaking their ham-fists. Biel is the youngest at 31, so I’m going to move her to the hot corner, and Vanessa Minnillo still shows some feistiness at 33, so I’ll send her across the diamond to first.
That leaves Minka Kelly and Jordana Brewster. I’ve always considered the former to be Jeter’s “Old Faithful,” so I’ll put her in left field and stick Brewster at second, because she’s probably the most underwhelming of any of these girls in terms of personality and sometimes I can’t even remember what she looks like. I know that has nothing to do with second base, but I felt that I had to say it.
That makes the final roster look a little something like this: