Kate Upton Is Still A Big Fat Moo Cow, According To Idiots

Last July, someone calling herself “Skinny Gurl” at a site called Skinny Gossip unlocked the key to eternal trolling and site traffic when she wrote a blog post calling Kate Upton a cannibal. Obviously, our favorite celebrity sports fan and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model doesn’t devour human flesh – not that we know of, nor do we judge – but Skinny Gurl was instead making a joke that Upton’s infamous Carl’s Jr. commercial, in which she very sexily ate a hamburger, made her a cannibal because she’s a fat cow.

Unfortunately, as much as we wished Skinny Gurl to suffer endless attacks at the wrathful hand of Anonymous, her stupid, hateful, jealous post has a legacy now as a golden standard for fat-shaming girls who aren’t actually fat. Need proof? Here’s a random post about Upton’s second-consecutive Swimsuit Issue cover, and just read how quickly the focus changes from milestone to FATTY FAT FAT FAT.

And if that’s not enough, New York Magazine’s The Cut tracked down Upton’s trainer, David Kirsch, to find out why people gotta hate.

How did you ensure she didn’t lose too much of the curviness for which she’s famous?

Look, she’s eating [well], she’s cleaned out of the junk, but ultimately it’s genetics. She’s got curves. There was no way I was going to “uncurve” her. That was never my objective. I didn’t do a lot of weights with her. Instead we did a lot of floor movements and working out with resistance bands. At the end of the day, the objective was not to look like a runway model, but tighten up what she’s got to look as amazing as she can.

My follow-up question would have been, “How many times do you have to sit down and cross your legs per session?”

Are you happy with how she looks in Sports Illustrated?

Have you seen the body paint pictures? They’re great. The cover? I don’t think they used the best picture. I don’t know how they ultimately determined that. Maybe they just wanted to show a lot of boob and I guess that’s because of their target audience.

Just to be clear, that’s this cover:

I’d love to see what he would have preferred instead.

What’s your favorite aspect of her body?

I love curves. She is the quintessential all-American girl. She’s fresh, sunny, and natural, and not too skinny. We’re not advocating that stick-thin, unhealthy, anorexic approach to modeling. She’s got a little extra meat. I love that physical aspect of her from her chest to curvy hip. I saw a great difference in her core from before we started to when she shot with SI. Her butt, thighs, and legs got stronger, leaner. It was from all those dead lifts, sumo lunges, and platypus walks. All of those exercises are about tightening and toning.

Adding, “But her ears, holy sh*t, she has the ears of 11 Kirstie Alleys.”

What’s your take on the haters out there who think she’s too curvy?

I posted all of her pictures from SI on my Facebook and there were the people who said, “Oh she’s porky, she’s fat.” But my response is, “You guys are all entitled to your opinion, and I know I’m biased, but I would sooner have that healthy body than one that is too thin.” She also embraces it. She’s like, “I got great boobs. Hello, they’re there. They’re not going anywhere.”

That’s right, Kate. Just dance the hate away.

Yup. Fat, disgusting beast.