The Dugout: Ken Griffey Jr. Is Great At Interviews

This is Ken Griffey, Jr. He’s here on behalf of Upper Deck. He does not give a shit about any of this.

If you missed it, The (44-year old) Kid went on SportsCenter to promote Upper Deck’s 25th anniversary by giving the world’s most unenthusiastic interview to poor Linda Cohn, a woman who is just doing her job and trying to salvage whatever she can from a brief discussion about cards with a tired old man. Here’s what you need to see from the interview:

Here is a verbatim transcription:

The Dugout


**Online Host**
Welcome to the SportsCenter Chatroom!

ChildrenOfTheCohn: So pleased to be joined by 13-time Major League Baseball All Star Ken Griffey Jr. who is here on SportsCenter live on behalf of Upper Deck which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: HOW YA DOIN’ Ken  
elijah_price: ugh fine whatever i hate your guts i’m doing great linda how are you  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: GREAT growing up you had a big baseball card collection, did you have a favorite?  
elijah_price: well ya see that’s a complex question  
elijah_price: aesthetically it was the 1983 topps tony gwynn where the focal point is his ass and it’s like, they had a thousand photos to choose from and they were like nope, “gwynn’s ass”  
elijah_price: personally i’d have to say the 89 fleer bill ripken because he wrote fuck on the bottom of his bat and y’all robbed me of my childhood and forced me to play pro ball when i was 11 years old so i still thought that shit was funny  
elijah_price: monetarily it was no card because i am a millionaire  
elijah_price: pfft pffft my favorite card was my dad idiot next question  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: your dad, of course, but besides your dad, y’know, buh, was there somebody else?  
elijah_price: nope  
elijah_price: i hate all living men  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: well before we letcha go we’ve got some twitter questions, which seems like the perfect thing to do when interviewing a man who clearly wants to kill himself  
elijah_price: awesome let’s do it  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: this first one comes from Derby @home_run_derby, uh, which young outfielder do you see today that most resembles your playing style?  
elijah_price: i haven’t seen any outfielders today, i’ve been in here answering baseball questions while don russ and bobby topps hold a gun to my head  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: “seen today” in the general sense  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: here’s another one, who do you think is the all around best player in Major League Baseball today? All around best player.  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: a third question, name a 27-year old outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: four, this is the room in your home in which you prepare foods  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: what is your favorite color  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: if you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring three things, what would those things be?  
elijah_price: andrew mccutchen  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: a sphincter says mccutchen  
elijah_price: mccutchen  
elijah_price: shit wait  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: oooooohhhh! /throws hands up  
elijah_price: i swear to god i am going to come to sportscenter’s house and literally murder you when this interview is done  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: we love to have fun on SportsCenter  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: okay last question, when you look back on your career, what do you think you’ll be remembered for above all else?  
elijah_price: /longest pause in human history  
elijah_price: /counts to ten backwards in his head  
elijah_price: smile  
elijah_price: meh hweh hweh hweh  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: that’s a good thing. I’m gonna let you go with that, although I probably would’ve said “mariners” or “how I was good at baseball” or even “backwards hat” or “super nintendo game,” but what do I know, smile is probably right  
elijah_price: that’s … huhr, alright  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: Ken Griffey Jr. thanks for joining us on SportsCenter, good luck the rest of the way  
elijah_price: what, you mean in my life  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: no  
ChildrenOfTheCohn: Joining us next is Jose Canseco here on behalf of Bowman’s Best refractors, Jose will be talking about MLB’s ongoing PED problem, space travel and how he’s “disappointed in American jews.” This is a real sports show  
elijah_price: /blows out knees  
Photos link to player info. The Dugout