Kris Humphries Is The Biggest Jerk Ever

Senior Writer
11.23.11 4 Comments

The other day I was at Publix, purchasing my daily requirements of condoms and bacon when I saw the latest tabloid rags bagging on the Kardashian Klan for what we all knew was the fakest marriage since Liza Minelli and David Guest. Of course, only weeks ago, the same magazines were calling the marriage of Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets mouth breather Kris Humphries the American version of the Royal Wedding. My point is that tabloids can all fist themselves.

But it was only a matter of time before the Kardashian spin machine, run spectacularly by matriarch Kris Jenner, got the rags back on the family’s side. Enter US Weekly, which is pathetically trying to convince us that not only was the marriage real, but Humphries was a total dick.

After lavishly tying the knot Aug. 20, Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider tells Us. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening.”

Humphries also allegedly called Kardashian a “fat ass” which would be terrible if it weren’t totally true. But the main point here is that US wants people to believe that Humphries is an a-hole. I probably would if it weren’t for the fact that we know every second of their relationship was fake.

We know that Kim’s people reached out to Danilo Gallinari before she settled on Humphries, and we know that she had the engagement ring that Humphries “gave her” for at least two years before they even got engaged. We also know that the Kardashians received at least $17 million for their wedding on E! and we know that the entire family is nothing but a bunch of unapologetic fame whores. So please, lonely women who watch their terrible TV shows and encourage their celebrity status, let the Kardashians slip away into nothingness.

If not for the fact that they are worthless and offer nothing to organized society, then do it for the fact that they tried to get “Dancing With the Stars” viewers to vote for Rob Kardashian over an American soldier who was wounded for his country.

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