10.29.08 9 years ago 16 Comments

I had to sit on the phone with a lawyer for four hours going through every objectionable passage in the first draft of this book, Needless to say, when we were finished, there wasn’t much of a book left.

So a lot of crap from the book got deleted due to both legal and creative issues.  The following section, after the jump, is one of them. Hooray, table scraps!

This AIDS thing isn’t so bad! By Magic Johnson

When I first got my AIDS diagnosis in 1993, I won’t lie: I was terrified. I thought all my years of fast living, cheating, and other unscrupulous behavior had finally caught up with me, and that I’d only have months to live, if not less. But here I am! It’s 2008, and I have to tell you: this AIDS thing isn’t so bad!

Oh sure, it’s not all a barrel of laughs. I can’t drink. I can’t eat shellfish. And when I want to make love to my wife, Cookie, I have to wear this iron lung equipped with a special copper-headed cock prosthetic. But otherwise, HIV is a breeze! All I have to do is inject this 20 oz. drug cocktail directly into my inner thigh thrice daily and have my urethra swabbed once a week. That’s it!

In fact, without AIDS, I‘m not sure I’d have as swell a life as I have today. Sound kooky? It’s true! You see, when you retire from professional athletics, there’s a void in your heart left from being out of the spotlight. But having AIDS totally keeps you in the news for a solid extra decade. And I got HIV back when it was all “scary” and “gay”. People assumed all sorts of terrible things about me, and that made for great press. Nowadays, if I ever yearn for a little media coverage, all I have to do is call up a reporter friend and remind him that I’ve had HIV for 15 years. That’s enough to trigger a slew of “Holy shit! Magic Johnson isn’t dead yet!” profiles, which enhance my standing in the business community.

As a pro athlete, you’re gonna hear a lot about the dangers of STD’s. Well, don’t believe everything you hear. The truth is, most STD’s are more bark than bite. Take herpes. Sounds like a nasty disease, doesn’t it? Just the word alone is enough to make your dick itch. Well, I have herpes, and it‘s really no big deal. You get a few spots on the ol’ capicola every five years, take a pill, and then it goes away. Same with the clap. And warts. And gonorrhea. They’re ALL eminently treatable, and result in minimal scarring. I know!

Now, I’m not telling you to go out and plant your flag in the next thing that walks by. By all means, use protection. Wear a condom if it doesn’t ruin the mood. But know that, if you do end up on the wrong side of the dreaded HIV crotch goblin, that you can still have a full, active life. Just like me!

But don’t expect Karl Malone to return your calls.

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